Hello Wysteria,

So am I right in thinking that you haven't really shared all of your feelings with your therapist because you don't want him to see the dark side of you? You put him on a pedestal. I really think this would be an amazing thing to share with him, that this is how you feel. You have said that he still seems to accept you so I think sharing more would be a good idea.

Is he like a regular male? Most males are good people but if you have been hurt in the past then you are going to be wary.

With your female therapist, you imagine her to be on a pedastal also until you actually see what she does in the group therapy. Again, I think that has to do with your past experiences of women and you have said it brings up unresolved feelings. Are you able to share with her also how it makes you feel dirty?

Therapist's are trained to cope with anything and they have heard all sorts of traumatic life stories. I think it would be so good for you to share how you have tried to protect them for how you perceive yourself to be too 'dark' to share.

You haven't done anything wrong, you have carried on behaviour that has kept you safe. This realization of what you do, where you say you put that therapist on a pedestal to protect them, actually is a big step forward and now you can take another leap and share that information with them. You'll find when you are on the same level in sharing, you'll make even more progress.

I hope this makes sense.