Dear Pegasus,
Thanks for replying. I always trust your advice.

Actually I have shared the bubble/pedastal things with them... They say they understand that I am trying to protect them from me and from my ability to make others around me hurt, or tainted. They say they are trained to protect themselves and me..

But when he gives me back feedback about myself and it is positive or whatever, I get confused. My male T is wise and sensitive, and he hears me. But he is so UNlike any other male I've been around, that I think he only sees me as white wizard, not as a male. Yet he says I'm supposed to learn a new relationship paradigm of what men can be like and how I can deal with them. But, noone else cares about me and they look at me with hateful eyes and words and deeds. So it contradicts what he is showing me and I just come back more hurt because I tried to be authentic and open. He does not lie to me, so what he says confuses me. I figure it must be my problem in my head, and it just poleaxes me. I feel like then he cannot possibly see the real me even though I try very hard to be open and answer him honestly even if it totally embarrasses me.

Imagine coming out of cave you've been in a long time....someone tells you that it is warm and safe up in the meadow...they walk with you through all the tunnels...you are blinded by the light and feel the warmth and smell the grass and fresh air, and then suddenly you are being stoned by the people in the shadows. Your guide is not there....By the time you get back to your cave, you are even more afraid and even less likely to believe that living in the sun is a good thing.
"Expectations are like premeditated disappointments."
It just keeps getting darker and colder in my cave. Even if I had a mirror, I can not see what I look like....

The female T was supposed to be good female role model full of feminity and power. NOT. I like her, but she can be sarcastic and gossip like other mean women. She also lies. I hate that. She has overcome so much in her life, but I don't respect her anymore. Again, I don't trust feedback she would give me about who I am or what I look like. Unfortunately that has been proven incorrect in her groups...

-the troll.