I apologize in advance for writing an entire novel about my problem, but please help me out here if you could. It would really mean a lot to me. Anyways, I had a serious relationship with a guy who's had a history of chronic depression. After a few months, I began to feel really detached and like the relationship really wasn't doing it for me. And then I cheated on him TWICE because I'm a stupid b***h. He never found out about it, but he dumped me a week later because he felt neglected because I was avoiding him the whole week due to my guilt. I was truly devastated after what I had done because he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and nobody can ever replace him. It's been almost 6 months since the breakup, and he still hasn't found out about my cheating on him.
However, two weeks after we broke up, we started hooking up. Then we just kept getting closer and closer and it was like falling in love all over again. We always have these heart to heart conversations and tell each other how much we love each other and whatnot, despite the fact that we're not actually together.
A month after the breakup, he asked out another girl and every detail of their date was all over facebook. I had an emotional breakdown because I realized what I had lost. My friend was trying to talk things through with me for support, but I refused to take her advice. So she called him and informed him of how overwhelmed he's made me. He freaked out, called me up, and told me he was on his way to my house. We had a long talk and then he started to cry. At this point, I knew things were getting serious because I have never seen a grown man cry before in my life. When I asked him what was the matter, he said that he can never forgive himself because he just screwed me over. I spent over an hour trying to calm him down until he had to go home. I continued the conversation over text and he kept saying things like "I'm a failure" and "I don't deserve to live anymore" and I stayed up all night because I was so worried about him.
The next morning, I drove to his house and had another long talk with him. I reassured him that he did not screw me over and that he had every reason to do what he did because we're not even together anymore. He eventually accepted my forgiveness, but then he told me that he tried to "pick up a knife" once he got home the night before because he had screwed over the one person he truly loves. He told me that I was the only thing that was keeping him from killing himself.
Now, it is almost six months later, and ever since the incident we just went back to hooking up and acting like lovers and whatnot. I feel great remorse after cheating on him, and the guilt is eating me alive. I can't think straight and I cry myself to sleep every night. I would come clean to him, but my main concern here is, if he was about to self harm and/or kill himself because he felt that he screwed his one true love over, I can only imagine what he could do if he found out that his one true love had screwed him over. I NEED to be honest with him because I love him to death, but I am just really afraid that he may harm or kill himself and it would be MY fault. I've never been this scared in my entire life. Is there any way I can be absolutely honest with him, and make it so that he could remain calm and not try to harm himself? Please help. Any advice at all would be well appreciated..