Hello everyone I am new! And I am reaching out for answers and opinions here.
So here is how it is I watched youtube just like every other millions of people. And I came about this video about this cartoon show, "Recess" I used to watch and curious on what conspiracies came from it. I'd figure I would just get a good laugh from these things like always but this time, I felt something "open".

"Recess cartoon conspiracy" by kmack

Now I did not believe this trash about cartoons depicting dark themes like this of dead children haunting a playground and wont because it is just a fun rumour. But for me, it feels like I have stuck in the past a long time.

After, my parents divorce my mom and older brother moved to an apartment complex where despite our family arguments and dysfunctional moments, we still were surrounded by friends and neighbors with open doors. One notable thing that happened to me was on my 10th birthday. My mom bought alot of food and cake but my friends forgot it was my birthday, so I ran around the neighborhood inviting a few. My house was packed full of friends and my mom had to pull out another birthday cake so I had 20 candles to blow out! I had no presents, but I have never had a more happier birthday since.

Unfortunately, my brothers trouble making got us kicked out of the apartment and me and my brother had to leave out of state with our grandparents. And I did make friends so easily at after that time period. After a while my mom put me in home school where I was alone in a small apartment all day.

I was lonely, so I adopted a habit of imagining myself with my friends I left behind. I would act it out alot soon I was being friends with cartoon and video game heroes. Then I would feel sad be cause it wasn't real but kept repeating it.
Four years later I went back to public school in my mid-teens. It was easier to make friends but I would often talk and whisper to myself without knowing until I heard laughing from the real kids watching. Luckily, I wasn't teased for it. But I found I could not get rid of my habit of "acting out" and sometimes arguing with myself.

A horrible thing happened after high school. My dad's old high school friend, whom I believe was jealous of my dad's marriage, had been verbally abusing me, unprovoked. Sometimes in front of my dad, saying things like "For once in your life, think!", "That's why you're in the wrong grade!" My dad would never step in and tell her to stop and I was always too timid to speak up for myself. My dad kept thinking I would learn to stand for myself eventually. It got to the point where she and I had a physical fight.

To this very day I sadly, keep vividly remembering that fight often acting out and shouting. Once, I did not even know my dad's roommate was home when I was screaming at myself.

After watching that video I felt I have been stuck on the playground waiting for my friends to come back to play, so I can talk to them about my problems again. And now that I am aware of what I have been doing to myself for 18 years and now I feel scared. Scared of hallucinating and scared of moving on out of this state of mind. I'm afraid of myself being a completely unreliable human being.

I have friends but not many are so close that I can to talk to yet. Plus, I have living with my dad all through my 20's, graduated college but have not landed a job to support me. Now my dad's roommate is pregnant (not his), but I have to move out now. I have a job but I may need another to support me.

Adulthood has hit me in the face in a cruel way, but I don't want to completely make anymore important decisions alone.

How would I start to learn? What can I do to get moving forward? What kind of therapy will I need?

-Thank you so much in advance!