Back when I was in elementary school interactions weren't very difficult to understand. If it was someone you didn't know you ignored them. If it was someone you didn't like you avoided them. If it was someone you did like you would decide on something to do and go do it.

There were no deep discussions, no sharing of feelings, no political views or strong religious affiliations, and sex/romance was something that was foreign. It was just "Want to go swing on the swing-set with me?" and then going. There really wasn't much to it.

Around 2 months into my first year of high school I left public school and began getting home schooled due to bullying and psychological distress. I didn't go back to public school until senior year. During those years I was pretty isolated so never really had the chance for my social skills to develop.

Once I was back in school I found I didn't understand how to interact with people anymore. Interactions had become much more complex since people actually talked now. They didn't just do an activity and talk about the activity, or speak about fantasy topics. Now the conversations had some weight to them, and were usually unrelated to whatever they were doing at the time. Political or philosophical views, religious affiliations, attraction, popularity, clothing style, who was around and watching, relationships, sexuality, hair style... there were so many factors now that influenced the interaction. You had to maneuver through this invisible maze to do something as simple as borrowing an eraser. Why do they think I wanted to be their friend just because I needed an eraser? Why can't I borrow an eraser without it meaning I'm attracted to them? Why do they keep trying to talk to me now after having borrowed their eraser when they never talked to me before then? Interactions were no longer simple.

At the end of every class we'd be given 10-20 minutes to talk or do whatever we wanted, and the rooms would suddenly erupt in noise as people turned around to talk to one another. I would always spend that time doing homework so that I wouldn't have to do it at home, however there were some times when another student would approach me to talk. I never knew how to react in these situations.

Like in my English class, there was a very nice girl who sat behind me. Often times when the lesson was over I'd hear her go "Trebbbynnn" as she'd say my name (only it was my real name). I'd turn around in my seat and she'd be resting on the desk wanting to talk. She'd ask me questions about this or that, but I never really knew how to engage in the discussion. We never had any real back and forth like I'd see other people having. It was just her asking me stuff, then me saying a reply and sometimes remembering to ask her "What about you?" Sometimes she would tell me personal things, like how she made the mistake of cheating on her long time boyfriend one time, and how she feels so bad about it. Why tell me? I didn't get it. What was I supposed to do? Say I'm sorry? Ask who she cheated with? To this day I still don't get why she ever bothered talking to me beyond the first time.

I never, never initiated any discussion with any fellow students in any of the classes, including with the ones who would sometimes talk to me. But not only that, I never saw the point to having the discussions I did have. They usually ended after around 5 minutes (probably because I wasn't engaging) and then I'd go back to doing my homework. What was the appeal of making small talk about unimportant things? Why didn't they use the time to do their homework like I was doing, so they wouldn't have to do it later at home?

I've been out of high school for years now but I never got any better at interacting. Whenever I talk with people I still fail to engage, and it feels like I'm only either answering questions or talking at them. Like if someone asks me about something I can rattle off what I know about it, but I don't engage with them or give them anything to respond to in order to have any back and forth discussion. I don't know how to do that, and as totally rude as it sounds I usually wouldn't care what they'd say about it anyway. Not because I don't care about other people's opinions, but because if it was something I was interested in knowing I'd ask, hear their answer, then moved on. Why does it need a discussion, you know?

It's like on the rare occasion someone phones me, they always ask me "How are you?" My answer is always "I'm fine." But then I never ask them how they are. I realize this is considered rude, and the social expectation is to ask in response, but I always feel fake and phony when I ask. Besides, why do I have to ask them that? They called me for a reason, why can't we just skip that part and get to the relevant reason they called me for?

Why do people ask that question anyway? If I was having the greatest day of my life, how would that impact them any differently than if I was having the worst day of my life? I don't understand it. Do they even actually care how I'm doing, or are they only asking because that's what people are expected to do when they greet?

Bleh! Sorry for writing a novel there Can anyone relate with what I'm trying to get at here though? If so, do you know why you're the way you are?