(((Jane)))),

Yes, another long one, but I am in this one, and showing things about me too, because I do hear you and I also hear others too and I know you
definitely deserve support, you deserve to heal and you "are" worth it.

I know exactly where you are and you are right, this part of the healing is very hard and others will tell you that they went through this too and yes all the things you are saying and feeling are exactly how they felt too.

Jane, I know that you can see how unfairly you were treated and how you adapted to being told constantly that your feelings didn't matter, I had the same horrible experience of having so many doors open to that message myself. I got very crippled by it too, and I could not be around my family and anyone that sent me a message of "my feelings were not important" in any way because it crippled me badly. YES, I know exactly what you are describing of needing to be held and yet at the same time not wanting to be touched too.

I experienced a horrible flashback where I was just a baby and I was cold and shivering and my stomach would hurt so badly. I would have this happen where it woke me up at night, or would happen during the day and it was so painful and crippling. One day it came over me and I was so bad I called my T, and I don't even know how I managed to even talk to him while I was experiencing this whole mind and body flashback. My husband came home and came upstairs and stood at the door to my bedroom where I was crying and my T was trying to talk me through it. My husband yelled at me and said, "Stop acting like a child", and my T heard him and told me to give the phone to my husband immediately. My T told my husband that what was happening to me was REAL and not anything I could help and to NEVER yell at me that way EVER. My T was wonderful and talked me down and I took a Klonopin and rested after that episode.

I got so I was afraid of that flashback because I knew I was in a crib and crying but I could not see "why". I thought that if I told my father "maybe" that would make it stop, I thought that because I didn't tell when I was little was why I was having this happen to me now, and I thought that if I did tell, it would make it go away.

I went to my parents and the visit didn't go well and it was all I could do to get away from them to get to my car so I would not break down into tears and emotional duress in front of them. My father followed me out to my car and I could feel that flashback wanting to take over so I told my father, hoping he would comfort me. He didn't do that but instead said, "Oh OE, that is all kid's stuff, happened long ago, I can't do anything about that now". And I tried to tell him that I knew that but I needed him to help me anyway, and he just looked at me and said, "I can't help you OE". Wow, Jane in that moment I went all the way back and HE NEVER DID HELP ME, He was not there to see or know, that was always MISSING. I left and I can't even remember how I got home, I was hurting to my core.

Jane, when I saw all my horses and ponies so badly damaged, saw it with my eyes that was so TRAUMATIC and then seeing how badly they were all damaged TRAUMATIZED ME, and then not having enough money to take them all to the hospital to be examined also TRAUMATIZED ME. And then having my favorite one die in spite of how hard I tried to save her TRAUMATIZED ME. I was so overwhelmed by all the damage and how mean my neighbors got towards me and not being able to do what I needed to help MY SPECIAL FRIENDS, just hurt so badly I just could not get up and do it one more day, and I had not had any sleep either.

When I went to the psych ward, the psychiatrist, in spite of all the red flags I expressed felt that it was wrong of me to be so upset the way I was and called me narcissistic. Because of that the staff was cold towards me and the nine days I was kept in that place was horrible and only made me even worse. I would sit in my bed shivering in shock and what made it even worse if that the room they put me in was very cold because the heat was not working in it, even the patients knew I was in "the cold room". I begged for rest and grief counseling and even asked for a priest or minister and they sent in a Rabbi. And all he did is look at me and say he could not help me because I was not Jewish.

They kept forcing anti depressants at me and they either made me so sick I was kneeling at the toilet and got yelled at, or one AD wiped me out so much I could not wake up and could not function, got yelled at for that too. Then my older sister came in and sat across from me and yelled at me to "Get with the program and stop being a baby or I would lose my marriage, my farm and I would not be able to get out of that place I was now forced to be trapped in." I stood at the window in my room staring out and I could not believe where I was, trapped in this awful place, with all these strange patients around me and no one hearing me. I remember staring out that window in SHOCK AND DISBELIEF and not know WHAT TO DO (I did not know what shock or PTS was). I even had a patient follow me around telling me he was Jesus and if I let him touch me he would take away my pain. Then there was another patient who was a woman who went from being calm to being totally angry and yelling at her husband on the phone that was located on the wall across from my room. Then when I tried to use the phone it was so hard because the cord was so short I had to cram my head into the wall so I could talk and hear. The only person that could have helped me, my mother, was kept away by my sister and told she could do nothing to help me and was not permitted to see me. My mother knew how much I loved my ponies and horses, she would have understood why I was so crushed.

Instead, Jane, I was NOT ALLOWED TO FEEL and treated like it was so WRONG OF ME TO BE SO UPSET BECAUSE OF SEEING WHAT I HAD LOVED SO MUCH DESTROYED. Jane, when my sisters little dog died, I listened and comforted her FOR A REALLY LONG TIME WHILE SHE GRIEVED. How did she not see the HUGE LOSS I SUFFERED? I cannot believe how NO ONE SAW THAT JANE AND LEFT ME IN THIS HORRIBLE PLACE. My sister had Thanksgiving at her house where everyone went except me, and NO ONE bothered to come in and see me in that psych ward where I sat at a table with a group of very mentally ill strangers with a plate of turkey in front of me. I never felt so alone and abandoned IN MY LIFE and there were definitely times WHERE THAT DID HAPPEN TO ME TOO.

And finally my sister came to see me one day and I told her that if she had any love for me at all SHE WOULD HELP ME GET OUT OF THIS PLACE BECAUSE IT WAS ONLY MAKING ME WORSE. I never begged for anything so hard in my whole life as I did that day.

Finally my husband agreed to help me "get out" and he came to pick me up and HE WAS VERY ANGRY. The whole ride home he was VERY ANGRY AND EVEN MEAN to me. In that ride home I knew I had to find some way of figuring out how to shove all my feelings down deep so I could go right back to tending to all the injured ponies and horses.

I had a lot of night terrors Jane, and I kept quiet. The first outpatient psychologist did not believe the value of some of the horses I talked about, she decided I had illusions of grandeur and she also missed ALL THE CLEAR RED FLAGS that it was not even the money value I cared about but THAT I LOST PONIES AND HORSES THAT I LOVED LIKE THEY WERE MY OWN CHILDREN. Apparently it is WRONG TO BE IN SO MUCH GRIEF like I was. Jane, it is so hard for me to look at my records and see how I was expressing all the red flags of "Trauma patient", and how that was dismissed the way it was.

I did not start experiencing my childhood flashbacks until things got so bad with my attorney where he was failing more and more from incompetence due to developing dementia and NO ONE WOULD HEAR ME ABOUT IT. The reason why my childhood came forward was because I was dealing with an individual that was not right and it was hurting me and I did not have enough knowledge to know how to ask for help, and I did try Jane, I did call other attornies, I did try to reach out. I sat in a deposition with him and the opposing side and I was trying to explain what happened and had a diagram of my barn and paddocks. I said, "pretend you are god looking down from the sky at this", and it was just how it came out because of how it was drawn and I was just trying so hard to show them what happened looking down from above it all. My attorney stopped it and had to give a long dissertation of how he is a Jew, but not a bad Jew and all about himself and Religion. I was so embarrassed by how he went on and on that way I wanted to climb under the table and sit next to the woman attorney for the opposing side, because I actually did like her.

The last question in that deposition was "who got hurt the worst" and I stared down at the diagram and it disappeared into a flashback of all of them Jane, ALL OF THEM HURTING IN SO MANY WAYS and I could not answer that question and I STILL CAN'T. Which is worse the ones that died or the ones that are crippled now?

Jane, I went 5 years with that man until it got so bad that IT WAS OBVIOUS SOMETHING WAS REALLY WRONG WITH HIM!!!

The reason my childhood came back was because of how I had to deal with my older brother who had something wrong with him and I was left with him so much. And being trapped with this lawyer who also had something wrong with him and IN NEITHER SITUATION DID I KNOW HOW TO GET HELP and ALSO FEARED IF I SAID SOMETHING WRONG IT WOULD ONLY GET WORSE.

The reason I had those flashbacks in the crib was because when I was a baby my mother could not always get to me when I was wet, cold and hungry because she was too busy with my older brother who was always challenging her, and she had two other children to deal with and she had no help. That is what my T and I figured out together. I did not have language when I was so little like that.

Jane, none of what you are dealing with as these doors open is your fault, and you need to grieve them and be SERIOUSLY VALIDATED. It is time for you to be HEARD Jane, and yes it is painful and hard. You are "not alone" with this challenge either. While this is such a challenge, and exhausting, you will slowly gain a sense of relief as you get validated and comforted. I know this is hard right now for you, however, all of this will eventually open a more important door for you too, a door that will inspire you to be different, and finally understand how important it is that people who struggle like you also deserve the same validation.

What I have been slowly realizing about this process is that it really makes me want to speak up somehow, and Jane, THAT IS WHAT IT IS REALLY MEANT FOR TOO. Human beings are designed to react to "bad things, wrong things, harmful things that threaten our survival, in a profound way in order to sound an alarm". What happened to you was not right, what happened to me was not right, and we are so not alone with this either. And, we all need to keep talking about it too, because as we do, slowly human beings are going to realize how so many need to learn how they are not nurturing their young right, how our humanity is harming itself and causing "harm".

Jane, what happened to me was WRONG, and if I posted my records here ALL OF YOU WOULD SEE HOW WRONG IT REALLY WAS. The unworthiness you feel, all of what you feel is what is taking place in 'MANY" human beings, not just you. It is not right for us to hold back and deny ourselves or even deny others, we were not designed to be that way.

Jane, when I was little every day I climbed onto a school bus and watched the other children bully my brother all the way to school. I watched him constantly disciplined for something he could not help. It was so bad that he peed his bed and floor and sucked his thumb feverishly all night long to where his lips were always bleeding and blistered and swollen and all the other children called him "big lips". When my parents took him to a psychiatrist, I remember sitting in the waiting room praying the man behind that door would HELP my brother. He did not help, but instead told my parents they must discipline him, not cuddle him, or bath him at all BUT PUNISH HIM. My father did what he was told and he took my brother out to a shed out back and I could hear my brother screaming. It did not help him Jane it MADE HIM WORSE. I remember how my mother hated it, cried and kept saying it was wrong for her not to be able to cuddle him, IT IS WRONG FOR A MOTHER NOT TO BE ABLE TO HOLD AND CUDDLE AND LOVE HER CHILD, she would say. It was hell for her, IT WAS HELL FOR ALL OF US!!!!

But, it was hell for me because I saw it the most!!!! And I felt so sorry for him and I became HIS ONLY FRIEND. And I had to learn to see when he could not take it anymore and had to have a RAGE. Because that meant I had to RUN AND HIDE Jane. I was afraid to tell my parents because I DID NOT WANT TO SEE HIM PUNISHED ANY MORE THAN HE ALREADY WAS. I WAS AFRAID also that if he was punished even more that he would rage so badly he would KILL ME.

Then, when he got older he got big and finally was able to defend himself and the other children finally stopped bullying him. He still struggled in school and my parents found a tutor and this tutor was a very kind and caring woman. FINALLY, SOMEONE WAS NICE TO HIM and he did better more and more. I saw it in his face and I was SO HAPPY for him. I had always know he responded well when someone was patient with him because that is what I DID WITH HIM when I was his only friend. I was just not strong enough or old enough to tell everyone what he needed that they were all denying him.

When I taught, that is what I always did with these different children, I would help them find their own self esteem, I was always patient and helped each child learn how to try until they finally got whatever I was teaching, and I would even go over time if I saw them getting close to that moment THAT MOMENT WHERE THEY WOULD WALK AWAY FEELING GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES. Seeing that finally happen with my older brother meant so much to me, and I knew how important that was.

Jane, that day I had a child psychologist come to my farm, could not get through to her grand daughter to listen to her barking orders at her over and over. She finally gave up and asked me to try. I stopped the pony and I asked the child what she wanted and we talked about being a princess and how they sit on a pony and I didn't have to bark orders to her. I did what I always did, always knew about my older brother too, so many years ago. But here was this expert who is a college professor, specializes and child psychology and watched me with this child and was amazed, HOW GIFTED I WAS. Wow, how strange if you think about me being so little and needing that man behind the door, that man who was supposed to know how to HELP FIX MY OLDER BROTHER, but failed and only made it worse. Yet, here I was so many YEARS later showing someone who is suppose to know something but did not "again" but saw what I did that to her was SO PROFOUND.

It was 50 years ago that I climbed on that school bus every day with my older brother and never ONCE did that bus driver stop what horrors were taking place. How his sixth grade teacher told him that he was a waste of time, he would never learn anything and that he should not even be allowed to go to school. He was punished constantly all his childhood, but I was punished too, my family was punished. All these years go by and FINALLY there is more attention being paid to the damage BULLYING causes.

My attorney doesn't think I should bring the PTSD into my case. She would like to have a video to "prove" my neighbor's dog did what it did. That video is in my mind and it plays over and over again, it wakes me up at night, and it is the first thing I see every morning when I wake up too. I would be willing to take all the bad things the opposing side will do to rip me apart in front of a jury, and make my past PUBLIC. But the problem with that is I DON'T WANT TO SEE OTHERS HURT by that process. I developed PTSD because I really did watch my neighbor's dog destroy my precious ponies and horses that I used to teach children MY SPECIAL WAY. It took me YEARS to find and train ponies to do this too. Jane, I loved these ponies because THEY WERE SO AMAZING WITH THESE CHILDREN. And I also took these ponies out and worked with children that had all kinds of psychological and physical challenges and these ponies were SO WONDERFUL AND PATIENT. I did not deserve to be treated so badly because of the deep grief I was in or misdiagnosed the way I was either. I did not deserve to be looked down on because I didn't make a lot of money either because what I did was worth MORE THEN THE DAMN MONEY.

My husband has dyslexia and compulsive ADHD, he gave up drinking and worked hard at being a better person and he had a lot of growing up to do. My daughter had dyslexia and the other children at school made fun of her. I reached out to a woman that I thought was a friend when I first realized my husband was a binge alcoholic and I was scared, she turned around and told the other mothers in the girl scout troop I was a leader in and they all pulled their children out of my troop and none of them were allowed to play with my daughter. This woman was nothing more that a social climber and her daughter black listed my daughter RIGHT UP THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL. My daughter was so lonely that she didn't eat in the cafeteria but instead ate her lunch with her male history teacher. He got caught having sex with another female student and my daughter was HORRIFIED AND HURT when that took place. And all she knew how to do was blame the girl. She could not bring herself to see that it was the teacher's fault, because he was so nice to her. HOW SAD IS THAT?

I watched the horse I spent so much on that she loved so much and worked to hard with to train and finally was seeing the rewards of all her dedication and my dedication to keep that going because it was so expensive, DESTROYED BY MY NEIGHBOR'S DOG. But I cant be upset about that? I must be wrong to be upset like that? And the pony I trained that my husband took out and on his own worked with different children that was a beautiful white pony that helped him grow up too, was DESTROYED and I found my husband crying in the woods. I AM NOT ALLOWED TO BE UPSET BY THAT????? either????

No Jane, you are not alone YOU ARE SO NOT ALONE. And while I know you hurt, and you do deserve to mourn all of what is behind those doors, YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH THOSE DOORS. But in your healing others are learning and beginning to slowly realize the significance of how there are needs that are not being met and IT IS HURTING MANY Jane, not just you or me or others here that struggle.

In the neighborhood I used to live in a young 14 year old boy committed suicide. His need also went unmet and I remember his mother standing in my house telling me that she could not wait until her two sons grew up and left because it was such an inconvenience to her. Well, she got her wish and how sad is that? The woman that lived behind me who has twin girls committed suicide because no one heard her either. You would never know how much she suffered because from the outside her house looked so perfect.

You and I and others need to mourn and heal and speak out Jane, we really do because people are hurting and its time for PEOPLE TO SPEAK UP about it. It is so hard for me to see that it took over 50 years for society to start paying attention to bullying. I will never forget how much I wished that bus driver would pull over and stop what was happening to and hurting my older brother, and me too.

So allow yourself to "heal" Jane, and I know how challenging it is, I cried a lot, I struggled a lot and I struggled to sleep too, and I have had so many bad days. I come here to help you, to hold you with my words as you so deserve, I do hear you. And none of this has anything to do with "your not having worth". We are "ALL" worth it Jane.

(((Big Caring Supportive Hugs)))
OE