He got behind my wheechair where I couldn't see him and I ran over him. I didn't actually see who I ran down,but there was a yowling and I had to drive OFF a cat.

I see Bandit and I see Jessie, but I do not see Smokey. I killed a kitten several years ago in the same fashion when its' paws got caught in the drive of my wheelchair, while exploring. I had to put it to sleep. I lost my Blizzy to pancreatis days later, put to sleep. Because I have to book my transportation a day in advance, I could be with neither of them when they died.

And now Smokey could be hurt and I can't see him, can't search for him and no one's coming in til morning.

I am going out to the river to stay, not to kill myself, just to stay. I will come back to feed the remaining cats and to charge my chair. I've had enough of things.

No going out there won't solve things. Staying here won't help either, it will just lead to more suffering alone, which I can't stand.

Regretfully, I must stay here long enough to charge my chair. I'll phone Dippy and tell her about Smokey. Then when my chair is charged, I'll leave.

I love him, but there's nothing I can do for him but phone Dippy. I can't even hold him. If I sell something, I will have the money to send him on his final journey.

Doug wouldn't care. He wouldn't understand why I'm crying over a cat who's slept with me night after night. My only companions in all this who I do not fear.

I assume I'm allowed to print this, or must I hop an ambulance and traumatize myself (get help) for this too? Because I'm getting sick and tired of this whole bloody game. And I bet you are too. As is Doug and Father Lindsay.

You really don't know what going into a hospital is like for me. you really don't and you can never know. And now my Smokey is probably dead.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.