I had a boyfriend and friend but we were always too busy drinking. I met them when I was a teenager, so it was a different time. Booze tends to bring on confidence and when you're a teenager, nothing matters. But I lived through them. I always have to latch onto someone that does all the talking while I just chime in once and awhile. I really don't have a personality or identity. Watching movies and drinking or listening to music and drinking. There was nothing else. I had nothing else. Continue to have nothing else.

I feel debilitated now. I am so dependent on other people. I have never been on my own like I am now. I feel helpless and sick to my stomach. I don't know how to carry on on my own. It's terrifying and utterly lonely. It hurts so much. I don't understand why I would push them away when they were the only things that were keeping me alive? I am insane!!!!!!!!