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HazelGirl · May 19, 2014, 06:07 PM

Here, I'll post them here for you:

"You think my transference with you is bad? I forgot how intense it was with the male mentor I had in high school and the first few years of college. I have had hardly any contact with him for the past 2 and a half years for a variety of reasons, but he sent me a generic email today about where he currently works inviting me to an "open house" for his work's new campus and my heart leapt inside my chest and I got all shaky and anxious. I thought I was over this. I thought things had settled down in my head. I can't tell you about him because you work with him at one of your other jobs, and although nothing inappropriate happened, it hurts that he left my life almost overnight after meaning everything to me. THAT'S transference. And it's partly why I am so slow to believe you when you say you aren't going anywhere. Because I have been abandoned by people I tried to rely on, over and over again. I can't go through that pain again. And it's a sharp and painful reminder of what can happen, and what it will feel like if you abandon me. It hurts so badly right now. I would go in a flash if I thought he meant to invite me. But I have a sneaky suspicion that he just hit "send to all" in his email list. I would clear my calendar for anything involving him. And that's why I can't go, and why I need to tell him that he sent it to me. Both of which will be incredibly painful. It will guarantee that he will not send anything else to me accidentally, and it will guarantee I cannot go to this event. Everything in my heart hurts right now. All those old feelings are bubbling to the surface and I feel like I am being torn in half. And the grief starts all over again."

"And now the wait to see if he responds. Chances are, he won't, especially since I am betting he didn't mean to send it. But if he did mean to, he might respond. Maybe. But I won't know until I wait for a week with baited breath. I hate this. It's part of why I don't talk to him anymore. And it's overwhelming to know he's so close and yet so very far away."