I've been in and out of hospitals seven times. This year, I even spent three horrible weeks in jail. But the most recent trip to the hospital ended with a partial program in which I was more social and 'normal' rather than just going home after the 'crisis' stay. I also got a job for the first time in nearly five years. It was all my own choice, aside from trying and failing to get a job for the last two years. I decided to take time off and work on my book, among other things. I did lots of staying in bed all day to commit myself to my secret 'schizophrenic' world, which was hard for me because I like to be very active. It was also hard for me because I suffered from near constant psychic attacks. My boyfriend most amazingly has stuck by me, though it was very hard for him. I'm not open with him about it, but he's very sick of my obsession with writing my book. I'm now opening up to my counselor who's perfect for me, and I'm working on getting a car and a place to live once again with my boyfriend. However, I'm suffering from waves of depressive feelings that get triggered by my environment or thoughts about how long its taking to get out of my parents house (after divorce). Although I work outdoors which is a bit of a dream, I'm severely underpaid for a college grad and worried I'll never get back into my counseling career. I would love to share all my problems with you here as well as all my interests, but I'm really just interested in forming some relationship to bolster my recovery so I won't sit around at home feeling lonely. I jog, bellydance, I have a daughter who I see part time, I'm pretty healthy when it comes to hobbies.

There's a couple websites online that fit in with my perception of my mental illness. They say that schizophrenia is a split of the personality, which has been very problematic for me. Some say that part of the soul is anchored in a past life, which if you're interested in discussing thoughts on this, is right on point for the way I often have felt. After so much metaphysical experience, I just feel that this singular life would be so empty if we didn't live an afterlife. I often feel like I'm going fast forward to old age. Despite a lot of comforting aspects of my life, its hard for me to relax. I feel like things will never get going for me, like everything is such a struggle for me to accomplish though it comes so easy to everyone else I know.

At this point, I am in deep fear that I will never write this book that I've been working on for twelve years. I got obsessed with science and metaphysics, brain mapping obsessively and now its like all I got is all this information that really works but doesn't seem to have a place in an artistic story. I can't figure out a way to tell it. My characters are so cool and I feel like I would let them down if I didn't tell the story, but I'm nearly paralyzed with fear when I think of trying to connect the mysterious scenes I've written with some real action scenes. Its like I've been missing out on the action of life, just getting so many teasers and then nothing. Its not like I haven't had good times or great friends, but I always get excited and then things fall apart. I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want more than just a phat car, I want to make it go. Its like all my life, I was all set up to play, got everything ready and then didn't know what to do. So if you're into artistry or writing, or anything like that, please lend me your advice or just your friendship. I'd so much love to talk. Know of any good websites on writing? I really think part of the problem is that I just need to get down to it, but I'd like to overcome my fear. I have written so much only to have it be lost among all the other esoteric scenes.

My official diagnosis is bipolar with psychotic features just this year, though for the last six years it was Depression with psychotic features. I was manic when they first said that, and felt they were the crazy ones. I just haven't talked to any doctors about the thoughts and experiences inside my head, and I'm pretty sure the symptoms fit schizophrenia more closely. I don't take meds cause zyprexa made me feel suicidal. I've never done well with meds, I just feel that if I mute my emotions when I could use them to fuel my day, then I'll never get up the power or the self-understanding to get through my depressive energies. I have a lot of grief about the loss of real experiences I sacrificed in favor of what I hope were astral experiences, but only slightly believe it in my down time. If your interested in explaining the mental experience of schizophrenia or other disorders I could really use someone to talk to, even if your ideas differ from mine. Thanks for reading!