I have been a negative and depressed person all of my life too. My father was an alcoholic that verbally abused me all of my life and verbally & physically abused my mother until the day he died. My entire life he never said he loved me. At the same time around 12, things changed with my mom and she started to verbally and physically abuse me too this lasted until the day she died.
From grade school all the way through high school I picked on. I would have defended myself, but it got worse when I defended myself so I just took the abuse from them like I did at home.
I never felt love growing up. Did not know how to show love. I only had one or two friends growing up. Only one of them knew of my mom and dad. Whenever we would get into a fight she would stop talking to me and I would become hysterical because I literally had no one in my life.
I met Marc, my husband, six years ago. He has never hit me, verbally abused me, or stopped talking to me. He is always nice to me, tells me he loves everyday and took care of me during the time when I was being switched from an SSRI to an MAOI.
As much as this man loves me, I literally do not know how to love him back. I show him affection. But I learned that from t.v.
I am still in that dark, ugly, hateful place of depression. Somedays I literally feel pain in my heart and soul.
You are not alone. I am walking right next to you along the same path.
I hope your pain eases very soon.