After making several full-on rants about my advisor, I have to admit that the problem is me, as usual.

My emotions were wrong, just like every other emotion I've ever had in my life. What does that say about me? It says I'm a sh**ty selfish person. What kind of lunatic flips out and blames her advisor because she missed a crucial deadline? Obviously that kind of person deserves to flunk out of school if she can't handle the schoolwork and blames others for it.

Thank god I never sent that email.

I want desperately to ask someone to help me, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid if I go to a counselor, I'll end up misplacing my anger and overreacting again. I'm afraid I'll cause even more trouble for myself and the advisor and other staff who have to put up with me. I'm afraid I'll look spoiled and selfish.

And asking for help means that I'll have to try to work harder to prove I'm worthy of the help. I'm tired of trying. I just want to get through it with the least amount of effort possible because I'm depleted. I don't have the energy or foresight I need to improve my life. I don't deserve to get help.

If I can't figure out how to manage my emotions, I deserve to fail miserably.

I just wish that every stupid, selfish, lazy, inconsiderate, and wrong emotion I ever had would just go away and stop tempting me to ruin my life.