Thanks chap (I don’t like using your name, to me you are far from being an idiot and as such I don’t want to re-enforce by repeating it )

I think you are right and I am very fortunate for the support I am getting from a number of sources (T, gp and my wife)… I can be blind to it when I’m struggling to even see beyond my nose… but yes, without them and without meaning to sound melodramatic… things could be a lot worse.

But in that context, I don’t want to have it seen that ‘well, it’s nice he’s got support… but in my life I’m screwed’ and I’m probably going to struggle a little with the next bit… I want to give an honest account without it seeming patronising or anything that is unhelpful ****.

I’ve had to deal with a lot of dross, crap and counter productive support to get here… it’s been a long hard road. For about 14 years I made the conscious decision that I could do this alone… and that was down to a very bad experience with a university provided T who basically got frustrated with me and essentially told me to just snap out of it (part of an agreement to be allowed to continue studying was that I saw her after two failed suicide attempts). In that context, a doctor at the hospital also made me very bitter and untrusting towards those in the medical profession… I had been taken to hospital very much against my will and while waiting to be assessed a doctor sat in with me and decided to give me a lecture on how selfish I was to waste A&E time… that I was a university student with intelligence, should know better and should be thankful for my opportunities… I very rarely feel hate… but if I had had any will at that stage, I would have punched him… not because of his disgust of me exactly (though yes, just looked at him with anger, he didn't know me yet felt justified to judge me as if backed with fact)… but because of the harm he could essentially be doing to anyone else before and after me that needed care.

There was one person who stuck by my side during this time (from Uni to now)… my wife (my girlfriend before her had found me triggering and that breakup was a hard one for me to come to terms with), but it was very rocky and I was constantly scared that she would eventually leave me… living with me has not been easy. I know I don't give her the credit she deserves sometimes... the inner strength she has stuns me and she is very self assured in who she is and what she does.

Took a bad turn about 2 years back… and I decided to reach out for help… went and saw my gp… and that got the ball rolling. Went through 3 nhs T’s that didn’t help in any significant way and that was when I decided to try private sessions… did my research and sent out a number of email enquiries to try and ascertain who would be right for me… and I found the T I am seeing now.

I guess what I want to try to impart with the above is that getting the support we need is trial and error… can be hard in itself and we have to at times use our own grit to sift through the crap till we get somewhere… but it’s not unattainable. I wish there was a kind of universal consistent help that we all can receive… but that is probably unrealistic and we are dealing with human beings giving care, with their own strengths and limitations.

I just want to show, that by holding onto some measure of hope (bloody hard sometimes) can pay you back in dividends.

This is of course my own experience, my own journey and I don’t know what the future holds. Last week was one of the worst I’ve had and at one stage I was super close to just saying ‘**** it, I’ve had enough, this is it!’… not going to kid myself that it won’t happen again… but I have hope and I am going to do my best to take one day at a time.

I am thankful for today... for the first time in a while, I feel awake, lucid and motivated. Saying that, I had a very restless night with auditory hallucinations (this has happened before after she's done these weird grounding exercises with me)... but yeah, today is a good day and I am thankful.