I was feeling a lot better. Then my therapy day rolls around (anxiety builds).

Last week was pretty rough. "Bad" thoughts of hurting myself. Wednesday was pretty ugly but I got through it. Thursday was nearing out of control.... I self harmed (2,000+ minor cuts). I felt a LOT LOT LOT better after that.

My weekend was actually nice. I went for a couple of walks and listened to the birds and looked at the sky and felt "normal" for the first time in ages.

Then Monday (therapy day) rolls around. I have to re-hash all the crap with her. She is not happy that I "give myself the okay to self harm" (as in I am not trying enough).

She knows that my self harm is done (typically) to prevent me from doing 'worse' things to myself. She even acknowledges that for me self harm does help me... she just wants me to find a better way....

but it WORKS. I really feel that I may not have safely made it through the day without it.... (thoughts of crashing my car or drivin under a semi-truck remain in my head).

arg.

NOW she wants to dig more..... The day before Good Friday - my mother-in-law passed. She had been living with us for the last 2+ years. She was always nice to me. Hell - she was nicer to me than my own mother. Everyone likes to do mother in law jokes (and she could be a bit odd at times) but she was a nice lady to me. My wife is struggling (obviously) with this loss. Now my shrink wants to talk about how "I" am dealing with this.

I do not deal with death well. Never did. It has been 32 years since the 1st person close to me died. I still can not think of it without getting very upset. So I avoid it.

I do not want to talk about it. I just want to bury it and leave it be. Why do shrinks always have to upset us???