Sometimes what I want from my T is a feeling I can't quite name. Love, security, interest, attention, pity, admiration... My yearning is full of contradictions so that some days there's pretty much nothing she can do or say that satisfies it.

If your T lets go of your happy toy and gives it to you, it's no longer his, no longer him. If he wants it back, it's like saying you can't have him. Maybe you need to bring it in and recharge it with his essence? That sounds silly of course but what I mean is that maybe you need to talk about what it is about him that you need hold onto between sessions. What does it means to hold onto happy toy, how do you feel knowing it's there, and ultimately, what kind of security does it represent that you hope to internalize?

My dad was very inconsistent in his attunement to me. I do remember one time that I felt that he was very attuned and it made me feel very secure. The first day of kindergarten we had an hour-long meet and greet with the teachers. The parents stayed in another room while we were introduced to our teachers and our classroom. I was anxious about the separation and my dad gave me his car keys to hold onto and said "if you have the keys, I can't leave!" The other kids cried but I felt confident knowing that he couldn't go far, so I was more or less able to relax and look around.

If your T doesn't need the keys, he can just leave. If he takes them back, he can just leave. But if you know he needs them and he's still letting you hold onto them, you know that you have him nearby.