My Brother was my best friend, my partner in crime, my confidant. He was one of the purest souls I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. For instance; he once took his shirt and shoes off in public so he could give them to a homeless man sitting on a curb. That's really just how he was. I could go on for days about the things he's done in his life, how special he was to so many people, how he loved; how we loved him.

Along with this beautiful soul sadly came some demons. It started off as "party drugs" he took a pill or two once in a while (opiate) when he was out with his friends. This was so unlike him , but I do know it happens; more than it should. When he finally admitted to having the addiction , he described it as so - "It was just supposed to be fun, I know it was dumb but I never thought it would be a problem , before I knew it I was addicted."
When the pills got too expensive, the real danger started. Heroin. Apparently it's much cheaper than pills so many addicts turn to it when they feel they have no other choice.

On May 1st , Heroin took my Brother from me.

I live in another state and am going through a divorce...as well as the loss of my therapist who I was very much in love with (she had to leave the state to take another job...and we had only said goodbye 2 days prior) My Mom was visiting me to help me with the grief and also get myself going (I need an apartment and a job because I've been a stay at home mom). She had been there about 3 weeks when it happened. We were in the living room playing some silly computer games. My phone started ringing and I saw that it was my best friend. I chose not to answer it, it was 11pm and I figured it could wait. It rang again, and then once more before I decided to pick it up. She said "Look , My Husband is working tonight and just text me. He said it's very important and needs to get in touch with you" Her Husband is a paramedic in the town my Brother lived. I was instantly panic stricken. I called him right away...the conversation went like this.

Him: (insert name here) Your Brother overdosed...he's on his way to the Hospital now.

Me: Is he alive? Please tell me he's alive!?

Him: ((long silence)) He is right now , but it's not looking good.

At this point I panicked...I threw my phone across the kitchen and RAN out of the house. I ran down the street until I needed a breath. I got control and went back in the house. My Mom spoke to him after I left the house and she filled me in. He had been without o2 for almost 40 minutes. His heart had stopped. My Father attempted CPR but it failed. He had a heartbeat for the moment and the Hospital would call with more details.

10 minutes later my phone rings again....I see his name on the screen...take a deep breath and pick up the phone.

Him: (insert my name here) They just pronounced your Brother dead. I'm sorry.

I completely lost control. I fell on the floor and started screaming for my Mother. She came running from the other room...I had to tell her. I had to look my Mom in the eyes and tell her that her Son had died. I'm sure I could have done it differently...better...more sensitive. I just didn't have it in me. I sat on the kitchen floor screaming "no" while my Mom held me and cried. About 5 minutes later 2 police officers and a Chaplin showed up on my doorstep. They were there to inform me of my Brothers death...but obviously, I already knew.

3 weeks later, I'm doing terrible. I'm in denial. I'm angry. I'm not in denial. I'm not angry. I'm depressed. I feel empty inside.

I bounce through the stages so rapidly it could make your head spin. I don't know how I'm supposed to live the rest of my life feeling as though there is part of me missing. I miss my old T so very much....I want to hear her voice...I want to tell her everything I'm feeling...I want her back. I'm so upset over my divorce; yet I still know it's the right thing. I NEED my Brother back...I need to touch his face, I need our "every other day" phone calls.
The rest of my family is a mess...and the selfish part of me NEEDS them back.
I want to destroy something...literally...like destroy a car with a baseball bat (best description I can think of) I don't know how to handle any of this. I'm grieving for my Beautiful Brother, My Therapist who I will miss until the day I die..the loss of my Marriage...it's just so much...too much...

I don't know what to do with myself...I feel broken.