it was not great at all when I got there . I walked in and the silence crap started again .I knew she was not going to say anything .it hurts I don't get it does she hate me .am I disgusting to even think about helping . am I so stinking stupid and self absorbed. that I cant figure this out .that I might even want even a small amount of help ,who the heck do I think I am to want something like that . it isn't appropriate .im horrible . it was so bag I was getting nocuous the longer I was staying in that room. her staring at me with her hot red burning eyes . I had a choice get up and quit AGAIN. I have kind of exhausted the options of other T's do to my quitting and making arrangements to meet another therapist and canceling because I went back to mine. or I could stay and deal with how horrible I feel. I guess I chose the second option.

I told her that I am finding it harder and harder to come back there .that something is horribly going wrong .that I cant talk and I am angry and scared etc... and that it is to the point that I am getting nocuous. she said that is because I am not talking about it . she said that she will never agree that I am a horrible person but that she has changed her thinking and hat if I feel I am doing horrible things that she can help me with this .and the fact that we are not doing this is why I am feeling the way I am .and that if I want her to help me with this stuff that I need to let her know that I want to talk about this and I want her help. she said it would be a good thing for me to be working on. then she asked ( because I said nothing as of yet) so do you want to talk about it and work on this. it took me a bit because I was having little panic attacks. but I did shake my head yes. we talked about a family situation that I had yesterday and the end results was me having a major blow out storming out of the house and driving away until I calmed down. she talked about emotional regulation and how I need to breathe . I don't think things can be cured in one session .I hope she doesn't expect that just because I was willing to listen to this. I was relaxing some . in the end she asked me if I still feel like a horrible person . I said at this moment no but that I hold no promises for an hour from now. she said she would accept that for now. she then leaned forward in her chair and asked if I still feel like puking .I said no .and she said she wanted me to notice that how things can change .and to think about that and remember it and that was all the time that we had to talk this week