I had my session today. My T told me that what didn't feel right about driving past her house, was my "sneakiness" about it. That I didn't ask permission first. She said "you could have asked me". I said, "you'd probably tell me no!" At first she agreed, but then said she wasn't sure, that maybe it would be all right with her (I doubt it though), and she'd have to think about it.

We talked about what it meant for me to see where she lived. The fact that she didn't start spouting off about being a professional and keeping her private and work life separate, kind of lessened my anxiety about the issue. She was never angry with me, she said. We decided I wanted to be connected, not ignored, not rejected, and to be part of her life. We did a little SE about my feelings, too. She said these are feelings from the past, not about her, which led to mytalking about feelings when my family used to watch the home movies before I was born. I always cried because I didn't understand I wasn't born yet, and that's why I wasn't in them! It's "wanting to be part of" family. We've discussed that about the movies before, but it always comes up for me as representative of my feeling left out or rejected, or not belonging.

I got to hold T's hand again, and she always asks how that makes me feel. She noticed that my breathing was regular; before I had been holding my breath and not breathing normally. I said "I wish I could hold your hand forever." She repeated about putting that good feeling into my nervous system so I can feel it when I'm not with her.

Seeing her every 2 weeks is hard, though. There's not enough time to discuss everything I need to. She lent me an art book; that was nice of her, too.