Two days of giving in, I feel like there is another part of this that I am just missing. A part of abuse.... I just don't know. I was talking with my T and I just seem to remember some abuse, and I just don't know anything, and am afraid to ask those that may know. I'm just frustrated with myself.

It almost seems like there is a multiple reasons why I give in but, I just can't seem to let those reasons out in full. I've admitted that part of it is out of boredom. I know that I have to put everything out there. and this is the safest place to do so besides with T, but that's just intimidating.

My reasons: and not holding anything back.
boredom
Several levels of addiction, (SI, in place of Suicidal thoughts, Sexual)
to kick out suicidal thoughts
Self-abuse
To feel pain, without scars
Feeling like it's the one thing that I can control
an escape from something inside me that I have a hard time identifying.

I think this has been the hardest thing to see. Now it just seems like I need to talk about a few but, I'm just not ready yet. There is still things to talk about in therapy, but this is a start.

Okay, I can do this, I can kick this multi-level addiction. I have too, because I don't know the damage that I have done to myself. This has to be the next thing to focus on.