I try to be honest w/ my Pdoc. For the last month or so she has asked me if I have a plan. Yes, I've been having SU. So I answered yes. This past time I guess I wasn't really listening & she asked me if I had a plan w/intent. I didn't notice a difference & said yes.

So she started to freak out. Called people into the office to 'watch' me so she could do all the 302 paperwork & call the police to escort me to the ER. Needless to say I was livid, told her I hate her & what she's doing for me. That I was there for a med change which she said is too complicated & needs to b done inpatient.
I can change the 302 to a 202 if I sign myself in voluntarily, which I begrudgingly did. They left me in a room in the ER for 8 hrs before they took me to the unit. They sent down security to watch me bec about hr 6 I started kicking furniture out of frustration & being ignored. Said I'd rather b water boarded than go thru this type of abuse!

First 2 days I'm on the floor I have no new med change except my stimulant was taken away. I was angry to say the least. I didn't participate in any groups or therapy & the couple that I did go to I was so triggered by the inappropriate subject matter. I was appalled. So I spent all my time in bed. I dissociate very easily & was basically left to do so. Now I only remember bits & pieces of the 4 days. I lost huge chunks of time. Never lost days before.

On day 3 when I got to see my Pdoc I explained how much damage this was doing to me & my family. My H had to take 2 days off of work to take care of our kids. I missed a day at work & now I'm on probation. I didn't go to any groups bec I work very hard w/my T's outside of there & didn't want anyone to eff it up. She gave me one med change & it's a med I've already been on. She said we'll try it again & if I get the same side effects she give me another med to counteract that one. I thought it was a total waste of my time.

She did say to my H on the exit interview that this might not have been the most helpful line of action. Ya think?

So after all that the question is whether I should stay w/ her knowing that all trust has been broken. I won't be able to be completely honest w/her & how I feel ofit scares her into hospitalizing me. Should I look for someone else?

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