It's just too bad that I'm so afraid of people and of being hurt by them that I feel I must lock myself up in my apartment. Because of that, I can't truly share my sweetness, my warmth, my love. That really hurts me, more than the pain that I must treat with the morphine.

I can only trust people through long distance relationships: people who can't come over and give me a hug, but neither can they break into my apartment and hurt me.

As a certain man at my church may be able to do once I tell him I do not want a sexual relationship with him. He may just take no for an answer. But he has cursed me out in the past. Why stop there? I've heard of too many men who just take what they want and leave their victims in the dust.

Richard could take what he wants from me very easily and I could do nothing to stop him that could not be stopped by an ominous threat.

It was a mistake to start going to church. A mistake that will be quickly remedied. Something like this will never happen again because a pervert will never get a chance to approach me again. No one else will get that chance either. I cannot tell what a pervert looks like just by looks, so I have to assume everyone is dangerous. It will spare me this misery and fear from happening again.

It will also "spare" me having a normal life filled with light and happiness and that just makes me sadder.

I wish my father had not taught me his vision of life and I wish I were as ugly as a toad. I wish I had been born a man. No one would be approaching me with sexual comments then. I wish Richard had kept his big mouth shut and had kept his eyes off me. I don't feel flattered that he wanted me. I feel scared and sick.

My sadness has been increased.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.