thank you so much Bipolar Bear....you are very kind to have taken the time to read my whole story, and I really appreciate that so much, I am very happy for your offer of support and sympathy, I think right now, if its ok with, thats good for me, I could use a hug even , cause I know I should be doing something to better my situation, its just so hard to bring the part of me back, its like a piece of my heart was killed that day, emotionally, and it stops to exist anymore, and I try, I really, do, I put on happy music, try to smile, try to read positive things, but someitmes it just doesnt work, and I find myself desperately searching for crazy SI thoughts, and Im sorry, I just feel like Im crying on your shoulder, and thats not fair, thank for listening, and for taking the time to read the other post.....Im sorry, Im not easy to advise