A couple of weeks ago or so, I read a post on PC that brought back some extremely sensitive, potentially embarrassing... no... humiliating (if anyone else ever knew about them, which no one does) memories. This is stuff I neither would nor could ever talk about with anyone. And since I'm the only one involved, no one else will ever know.

The thing that struck me about this was the lack of emotional impact the flare-up of these memories had. It was like I was recalling a movie I once saw at the theater. In fact, I suspect that many people would have a stronger reaction to an old movie than I had to these events. There was simply nothing there except the bare memory itself.

This lack of emotional response is not news to me. I've had this experience over-and-over during my lifetime. But, for some reason, it just struck me more vividly this time than it has in the past. Perhaps it's because, being on PC now, I'm more aware of how I'm feeling (or in this case not feeling) about things. And in this case, I'm not feeling anything.

I guess in the whole scheme of things this doesn't matter. As I say, no one else will ever learn about this stuff. And yet there is a sense in which it makes me feel very strange to recall these memories & realize that I have no emotional reaction to them what-so-ever. No wonder I'm so screwed up in the head...