I feel bad for putting this online...really bad but if you have somewhere else to put this then go ahead

Everything i ever said about my dad hitting me once in awhile is true and the SI and the sexual abuse. But i feel like thats not an excuse for me to feel this way. I mean it was my fault to begin with! I mean if i would have just not turned the tv on and got my stepdad angry...or if i just would have said no. I mean all of you dear hearts touch my heart with your struggles. Im pathetic!!! I dont deserve to feel this pain and anguish. It was my fault. it was my fault. I see this now. I shouldnt SI ......i mean i have no reason to. Everything in my life has been choosen by me. I have no mental illness...I have no physical illness. The lump is really just my body saying you suck. I have no IBS...its probably just stress. Stupid Stupid Stupid me. I have no excuse!!! I cannot blame this on a disorder....i cannot say i am depressed and sad and lonely because i have a mental illness and i struggle everyday with it. No you wonderful people struggle everyday and work soo hard at your lives. You have so much life in you all....you have so much life and passion for survival. All ive found out is that i want a way out. A way out of being responsible...a way out of doing work. Im lazy. I am sick to try and think i have a mental illness or a physical illness. I am a terrible person. I am sorry that i have come here and allowed myself to affect you all. I once told someone i was a leach. A leach lives alone, a hermit. People are afraid of leaches because they look disgusting, their actions frighten people. But if you look closely a leach tries to help by sucking the bad blood out of others. They hold on tight to people they meet because they really just want love. Leaches just want to be loved by others and people just rip them off and throw them back and then the leach waits patiently for someone else to hold on to, someone else for them to help. But i realize now a leach is a leach. It is a parasite....and no matter how hard a leach tries to be good no matter how good their intentions ....its all just to accomidate their actions. I am a terrible person. I am so sorry for being this way. Please forgive me. I am so sorry you have to deal with this leach...this pathetic sorry self obessed leach. Its all my fault...everything.
love you guys, pm me if you need me
Inny