Thanks so much for replying! You were sounding very intelligent and I was feeling better, not in anyway thinking you were rambling. Its very wise to encourage me to look toward feeling better when I move out. I often feel that's its just going to take too long, but thinking about it like that kind of makes the depression bearable. I don't know very much about being dependent. I guess I am, I'm very strong in my personal life and have a lot of imagined personalities, while I'm only very outgoing in my social life when I drink. I don't know much about dissociation. I typically look to schizophrenia to explain why my depersonalizing isn't normal, but it doesn't help. I feel like I understand that I imagine everything, so it doesn't work to call them hallucinations.

Brainmapping is a way of brainstorming, like plotting out your thoughts. I'm so obsessed with making them for my book that I forgot all about calling it brainstorming. I guess it relies more on doodles, pictures. Its a nightmare for me, like I'm trapped in them and can no longer write a theatrical scene. Almost like I feel no energy for anything else and an intense addiction to plotting out ideas, to connect the characters in a simple way. Writing scenes just creates so much mystery, I don't know how to get into it again. You're right, that is the key, people want their own experiences, maybe that'll help. It's something I've sort of considered, to be realistic. No one wants to hear my experience flat out, and so I have to encode everything, make it symbolic. Its like tearing my soul apart. I feel intense pain trying to force myself to do anything other than what I think I need to do. Sometimes I think I'm just lazy. Writing scenes takes so much work. But at this point, I think my brain is becoming warped or something and I've made it hard on myself, like an addiction.