My therapist, has told me, that when I allowed for this type of nested coparenting scenario, it would lead to long term damage of the children. Clearly, my ex was unable to emotionally divorce and my kids were being sent conflicting messages.
At that time, I kept trying to establish boundaries, reminding ex it needed to change and why. He gave every excuse in the book.
Maybe explain in a way that expresses your needs, impressions, worries. Without ultimatum nor jealousy, place the ball in her court.

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