Trauma is a bit of a strong word but I was triggered into a panic attack today so I suppose it's the right one. I'm wondering if any of you have had a psychotic break and then been traumatized (still too strong of a word but whatever). I had to go to the medical doctor today and I got nervous as soon as I pulled up because the parking lot looked like it had an ambulance bay. The farther I got in the visit the worse it got. When I was stuck in the tiny exam room I freaked. I kept it under control for the most part by closing my eyes so I couldn't see anything that looked hospital like. When the exam was over I booked it, didn't even stop at the desk for a follow up appt.

All I could think about was the last time I was in the emergency room. And it's like I relived the psychosis through flashback. I thought they were going to be able to see right through me and commit me (even though I am not commitable at this point). Then I thought if this doctor is a man I'm gonna jet because a man could hurt me easier than a woman. Just like the ER trip.

I had to tell myself to just calm down because it's not real and I'm safe now. But my brain was screaming it at me. And I'm still upset now but at least I can tell it wasn't real and I'm not becoming psychotic again.

I had psychosis back in august when I abused Prozac. I had convinced myself it was med induced so it didn't count. But as some of you may remember I was a paranoid mess a month ago and that was all on my own, no drugs to induce it.

I guess I'm just trying to come to terms with this and how serious my condition really is. It was one of the worst experiences I have ever had. The abject terror I felt those days paralyzed me. And I don't want to go back there.

Has anyone had a really hard time after a psychotic break just remembering it? Trauma response sounds so silly but I had a legit flashback and I don't know how else to phrase it.

Anyone? I don't have IOP tonight so I can't talk about this with my therapist. No one else except maybe some of you could even begin to understand.

On another note my recovering addict husband is pushing for ECT again. That's terrifying in its own right.