I put the trigger on because I'm going to talk about holding my T's hand, and I know some people are triggered by that.
In spite of seeing my T only twice per month, therapy is going well. I'm happy that I didn't have to quit in March, as I'm making a lot of progress now.
I never, in my wildest imagination, thought that my T would incorporate holding hands into my therapy again, and would make it an important part of it. I'm sorry I must sound like a broken record, but maybe it will help someone else. If something seems to help you in therapy, and your gut feeling tells you so (or vice versa, that something is wrong for you), then pursue it. I KNEW holding her hand was helping me, not hurting me, but my T disagreed, and also, for her own reasons, became uncomfortable with it. Then, when she furthered her SE training, and felt more settled herself, she agreed that we could try it again.
I know there are other ways to calm down and feel safe, and I do them: yoga, swimming, slow breathing, mindfulness, for example, but holding T's hand is different. I don't feel the same way when I hold my H's hand, or my kids, or grandchildren's. With my T, it's an immediate response, as though she's touching something deep inside of me, not just my hand. She's doing it for that reason, to give me a feeling I never had before, and to get it into my nervous system. When I was sick, and she didn't hold my hand, we touched feet. She probably does that with other clients, to get the same feeling. I doubt whether she is just doing this touching with me.
Today I can "feel" the way I felt, holding her hand in my session. It's like magic!!
I know touch is controversial, and that there are not many who post about their Ts who use it. I wonder why more Ts don't learn somatic experiencing and the value of touch in therapy. When I first started therapy 4 years ago with this T, she told me that I had a lot of talk therapy, and that she had different approaches. I am so grateful that I made the conscious decision to choose her as my T.
I talk about other issues while I hold her hand. It's not just an hour of holding her hand and feeling good. She monitors me closely to see how my body is reacting to her words, and to mine. I never, in a million years, would have thought I could do this kind of therapy, as I am so inhibited, and don't like to think or talk about my body. I'm just feeling good about therapy and my life right now, and I wanted to share. It's been a long road, with many bumps along the way, but I'm getting there. You can too!
