Just thought I'd try to reach out, here, as I have sorely tried my family's patience tonight. They have that tight clenching around the jawline that lets me know they still love me, but need space.

Totally idiotic situation, too - stranger comes to the door - it's local voting season! - and family member opened the door (!) started giving stranger information about people living here ("I think my sister in law [me] is a democrat..").

Our house sits back from the main house - you have to do some exploring to get here. And it's starting to get dark...

I started to circle like a shark, tried to call my sister in the house under some pretense ["I think the kitchens on fire!"], tried to end the conversation and get the stranger away, especially as she began writing names down of the voters in the house...making small talk about personal information (where you are from, what you do for a living, etc).

I went monkey-***** nuts. Points to me, managed to scream softly, more of a rageful hiss - but plenty of stamping, hot tears. Gave family unsolicited lecture they shouldn't allow strangers to just come up to the house, shouldn't give out personal info, if they want to give out their info, don't give out mine, etc. Feel like I emotionally "messed" myself.

Briefly, PTSD origins in stranger stalking and prior assault - ANYONE showing up, uninvited, at the door makes me feel vulnerable, frightened, violent, want to control everyone to make it safe again. I feel safe where we live, and my room is my sanctuary, so it makes no sense that I feel this terrible. My heart is still pounding so hard, I feel like I am having a heart attack. Sweating, rocking - felt like breaking out of the door and going after stranger with the broom - took all my self control not to do this. Still irrationally crying. Feel sick.

Have a little index card notebook I carry with me, with skills I can use/things I can do to help when triggered, depressed, etc. But feel like a failure because the PTSD just surged out of me in such an unexpected eruption of pure reaction! Does this ever end?

Am trying to make light of it, see the humor. Granted, it's not so constant/debilitating as it used to be, but thought I had moved into a more logical stage.