Looking for a new T for the summer while current T is away is turning out to be really really hard for me. She really wants me to find a new T but I still have this fear that she is the one special good T and all other Ts are gonna be like my ex-T who had an angry erotic paternal countertransference to me and who I terminated with pretty much feeling like I escaped captivity... by then I felt like I had a responsibility to not disappoint her by terminating, and she got angry at me when I did, and it was like I was giving HER therapy, she always talked about herself, and all that she talked about me over was about my appearance, and she asked lots of invasive questions and I remember how bad it was, I would have panic attacks before every session, it was a good session if I stopped shaking halfway thru.

I'm really afraid to try a new T. I don't want to. But T thinks I will need it over the summer and wants me to call asap so she can talk to them. There's only one option around here and I'm supposed to call her before next week. And I'm freaking out. I don't want to. I'm feeling really numb and broken again thinking about ex T. I just don't feel like doing anything. I'm going on vacation soon and I don't want to go. I just want to sleep until I starve or smth.

There are other good Ts out there? Right??? How can I believe that. Grrr. Sorry I just needed to vent.