Dear EJB5565: Sending you some love and support - I know where you are coming from.

I'm also in my 40's, and bipolar and PTSD have seriously derailed my life and goals. I lost several friendships I had enjoyed for over 20 years, alienated family, nuked my relationship, and royally screwed up my (previously!) stellar work history because of mental illness.

When I look back over my life up to this point, it does make me regretful - when I'm in the throes of mania or depths of depression, or when PTSD comes a'knockin', I can really make a mess of my life.

I've had to re-assess everything, remind myself to forgive myself, and develop new plans. Working with a therapist and religiously taking my medications have helped me get back onto the road, albeit in a new direction. I don't think anyone can reach our age and not have some regrets; it seems true that life never turns out exactly as we plan. I'm trying to re-frame the more damaging things I've done into what I can learn from them, and how I can prevent similar from happening in the future. Sorry for the platitudes and cliches, but I find some of them to have real value for me.

I know what you mean, suspecting happiness (is this the start of mania?), and I also hate the questions that seem to want to rank me according to expected achievements met by x-age. Dealing with things that I feel I should have resolved by now: a good career, relationship, stability. I believe they will come to me again, and work with this hope in mind.

Take care, and hoping you find comfort here.
Regards - Bolivar