I have been struggling with overspending in therapy. The money's been well worth it, but I was spending more than was really affordable and decided to cut back. Cutting back has been hard, but I've made some progress. Been trying to cut back about 2/3, and have managed to cut back about 1/2.

It got harder to manage when she raised her rates 25% in January, but I've been working hard on it.

My therapist and I made a plan to make this manageable and have been fine-tuning as we go. I plan on a Monday session and a Friday session and to get to do an email session at a reduced rate in between. She volunteered a fixed rate for that email starting two weeks ago.

But last week, the first week of the fixed rate email, I thought I'd written too much, so offered to pay a higher amount, and she said she appreciated my offer and sent back an invoice for a midpoint, between what she originally offered and what I offered.

I did not give myself a chance to take the lower rate because I did not want to take advantage of her time.

The thing is, I feel so inhibited knowing she agreed to a lower rate, because then I feel I shouldn't write as much as usual, which just makes it much harder for me to be open with her.

This week I decided not too worry too much about writing, but I am writing a lot again, and feel like the rate she offered me is unfair to her. But I'm torn because I want to be able to trust her.... I want to let her do this for me, but... I don't want her to resent me or regret her offer and I don't want to take advantage of her time, sigh.

(Yes, I know I should just let her do it, and not raise the issue of fees, just pay the agreed upon amount, sigh... I know it, and I've read about others having this problem like 20 times on this board, jeeze.)

So, I've been dealing with a bit of awkwardness about fees, and tonight I noticed...

she raised her rate AGAIN!

That's the 3rd time she's messed around with it in the last five months.

I'm sure it's for other clients, and she'll continue seeing me at the January rate, which was already 25% higher than what I paid last year,

but it's SO awkward. I don't like thinking I can't afford her. I don't like feeling... inferior, like I can't just pay whatever she charges. I don't like feeling that if I want to add an extra session, it'd be at the higher rate, which is what she'd said in January when we discussed this.

I LOVE my therapist. She's highly experienced (20+) years. She understands me. She's reliable. She's committed. She's versatile. She's caring. She's giving. She's a good therapist, and she knows ALL about me.

But when I feel stress about the finances and feel unsure about her rates... I just wanna quit. I wanna go find someone who takes my insurance, pay them the $30 an hour copay and hope for the best, that they'll let me email between sessions and I won't struggle to pay for them out of pocket as I do with her. I just finally told her all about my financial circumstances recently- took me a long time to get open and trusting enough w/her to talk about that.

Sigh. It's temporary insanity to think of seeing someone else, but I hate the financial complications.

She would see me for free if I could not pay. She has said so. But I don't feel sure of things seeing that she just raised her rates again today. They're up 20%+ more than what I'm paying.

Just had to rant. Seems like I can't get clear about anything lately.... just muddled, and money muddles too.

I did already email her all my thoughts about this. I don't know why I waste my time telling her this stuff- I already know for a fact that she'll see me at my regular rate and even if I wanted to add a session and asked her to maintain that rate for the added session... well, she probably would. I want to trust her to be consistent with me, but it's so hard to trust. I hope she'll charge me the offered rate for the email this week: I just want to see if we can really stick to our plan, if she'll keep her part of the bargain, sigh.