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Yeah, self esteem does play a big part. But I just feel no connection to nor desire to be part of the dog-eat-dog rat race of our work culture. The whole process just goes against my core values of being genuine, considerate and selfless. How can I be those things and hold profit above all else? How can I be a teacher and teach things I don't agree with? Be a newscaster and omit important information for a political agenda? Be a manager and force my team to do that which I wouldn't want to do myself, or lay people off to cut costs? Be anything and be expected to sell out just so I can have a little comfort from material things or even to support a family? I don't think I can do it unless I absolutely have no other choice. And not even non-profit or charitable work is immune from it all. I waiver from feeling shame for my somewhat bitter outlook and also being proud that I reject and stand up to what I see as wrong. But sooner or later I am going to have to earn a living among the rats.
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I feel the way you do about some of the jobs I've held in the past--and even some jobs my husband has held! But I don't think they are all bad. I think it IS possible to find something that doesn't compromise your ethics. I have a feeling that someone as dedicated to standing up for what is right as you will find something that doesn't compromise your morals.
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I struggle with the shame and comparison of myself to other people. It's like you work your butt off, struggle with a mental illness, and there is almost nothing to show for it. When my thoughts become shaming and then I measure myself up with other people, I become more and more depressed. Most of the time I can catch myself in this thinking pattern and try and reinforce in my head that these people do not have the same obstacles as myself, I've worked hard for what I have and it's that much harder for me. Sometimes, just getting up and out of bed is such a struggle that when you do, it's an accomplishment you can only share with yourself as most just don't get it.
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I feel the same way often. A lot of other people don't get the struggle, do they? But like you say, it never does help to compare yourself to others. I need to work on that.
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Well, I bet that your high-powered attorney friend has never been paid to write, nor would she know how to approach an editor to sell an article.! It is more difficult to get your work published than most people realize.
Be proud to be a freelance writer! Depending on where you are being published, millions of people may see your work. I was a freelance writer for about five years when my kids were younger and I wanted to work from home to balance work and family life. Once you are able to put more time into it, you will make more than $200-$300 per month. But for now, since it sounds like you don't need to make a higher income, you have the option to focus on your health. You are very fortunate
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Thanks for this. And you are right, I AM very fortunate. Not many people have the opportunity to do what they enjoy and not worry about how much they are making. I know so many people who would rather be doing something else but can't because of money concerns.
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I am on SSDI so you are doing better than me! I think it's all a matter of perspective. I have a friend who is a freelance writer. She also does a lot of community work, e.g., works in community gardens for no pay to help the local environment and keep the neighborhood presentable. I have a lot of respect for her. She also paints and draws - things I cannot do. In short, she has talents.
As a writer, you have a lot of options. There is your freelance work. But, you can also use your years of education to write books whether they be scholarly or not. You can write them at your own pace so that they hopefully do not cause your anxiety to flare up. Maybe you could start with short stories. Who knows? You might end up a published author! It may also be possible to contact your school and inquire if might complete your degree via correspondence. I think that would give you a sense of accomplishment and would be good for your confidence.
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Thanks for this! I think it IS a matter of perspective, and I DO have options.
I'm so glad to be able to talk to people that A) understand how hard work/careers can be when you struggle with mental illness; and B) are so nice and have such encouraging words to say even when I'm being a whiny baby!
I think a lot of my insecurities come from things my late dad believed in--he was always saying that we should all be productive members of society, and that women should get a good education so they don't have to rely on a man. I think his opinions were totally valid, but I can't help but feel like maybe I'm not living up to the expectations he had for me. I like to think he would understand, though. My late mom also struggled with mental illness, and I think he knew how hard things could get for people like us.
Above all, I think now I feel very lucky.