Hello everyone,

*rape tw* Also, warning, I babble so much.

I wasn't sure where to post this because I feel it falls in line with a couple of my disorders - both anxiety/agoraphobia and my borderline personality disorder. But anxiety wins, like always.

A bit of a backstory; I've been battling severe agoraphobia for 12 years now. I've had my ups and downs, mostly downs. I was only diagnosed with borderline a few years ago. I've had a string of unhealthy relationships that left me feeling broken, turned my emotions off and didn't date at all for about 5 years and then decided I didn't want a life of loneliness for myself, so I started dating again. 3 years later, I'm engaged. We've been together for almost 2 years and we have a pretty solid relationship. He's a good person. He's mostly very understanding and patient with me. We are in a long distance relationship and he flies down once a month to spend a week with me until either I can make the move or he finds a job that's just as good as the one he has down here.

Anyway, so our relationship is good. We leave Skype on almost 24/7 even if we spend hours doing other things/not communicating. I guess it just helps us feel closer to each other. It's comforting to know that even though he's so far away, he's still there for me and he feels the same. However, there are trust issues and I don't know why. I don't understand how I could not trust him when he never does anything besides work (his choice, he has a lot of anxiety as well and is just generally very introverted) and I can see what he's doing pretty much whenever. But still, there are trust issues and they drive me nuts and they're starting to bug him because he's always asking how he can help or what he's doing to cause them and the truth is I really just don't know. I feel like it's just a part of mental illness. I was severely sexually abused as a child for years, dad disappeared (and came back not too long after, but the horror I felt when he was gone is something I will never forget), unstable family, not many friends due to anxiety, almost every person I've dated has cheated, left me for someone else or has cut the relationship off without warning. This all makes for one extremely ****ed up girl.

I've tried to end our relationship a few times because I felt my jealousy wasn't fair to either of us. I want him to be able to do whatever he wants (he says he doesn't feel restricted, but I feel he is?) without me feeling anxious or making him feel guilty (never my conscious intent) but he always begs me not to, as he feels that he is extremely happy with me and I'm not holding him back from anything, etc. I just can't get past this sinking feeling.

So he visits his family a few times a year and every time he does this my anxiety just sky rockets. The communication drops substantially. I never know whether or not I'm just being my overly anxious self or if he really does act super withdrawn. Sometimes I wish he'd text a little bit more. Or something. I just feel so forgotten when he visits them. I don't think his parents like me (he denies this, but I really 100% believe this), and all of his high school friends are there, and his ex girlfriends and my imagination runs wild and I can't properly describe how panicky I get the entire time he's gone.

He'll be back within 4-5 days but I have that sick feeling in my tummy. Sometimes I want to tell him to not contact me at all so I won't panic when I feel he's not being attentive. And by attentive I do not mean texting and calling all day, for me attentive means a nice little text every couple hours (which I don't understand why it's hard considering when he's home he usually just stays at his family's house) and a nightly phone call.

I don't know. I'm just such a mess and I'm so much better off being alone I think, but I love him. I just don't know how to cope with separation anxiety or my abandonment issues. Any tips or advice? Can anyone relate?

And yes, I'm already in therapy and already on medication.