I've posted about this a little in other threads, but I'm home and going crazy about this stuff, so I wanted to write about it here to vent a little.

I am in a monitoring program for 40 months because of mental health and addictions. What happened was a couple of years ago I was in a mixed state, and I used drugs for 3 days in a passive suicide attempt, and then ended up involuntarily hospitalized for 3 weeks. They decided I was an addict because of using for 3 days. Also, when all of this happened I was on a stress leave because I had gone to my GP and requested time off work because I was not feeling stable, so I was never around any patients or practicing nursing when any of this happened. Anyways, where I live if a nurse gets hospitalized on a psych ward you are automatically disciplined and suspended. So I was suspended 6 months, and then put on monitoring which includes documented monthly pdoc appointments, medication compliance, random drug urine tests, and a bunch of other conditions. I have one year left of monitoring. I have had perfect compliance the entire time so far.

How the drug screens work is I have to check a website daily that tells me if I'm due, and go to the lab to give a sample that day if required. The website changes from one day to the next at midnight. On Monday night I checked the website when my clock said 12:01, but their clock apparently said 11:59, so it was still reporting on the day before, so it said I wasn't due, when I actually was. So on Tuesday I missed my drug screen, so yesterday the college called and suspended my nursing license indefinitely. I went for a drug screen yesterday, which came back clean. Now the disability manager at work wants to talk to my employer about my attendance, behavior, and job performance to make sure there are no issues before she recommends that I get my license back. There will be no issues at work, but it's embarrassing that they will ask those questions about me, and I don't know how long it will take the manager to reply. Plus, this is a new manager who has only been with the program for a week, so I don't know if she will feel like she has enough info to make a report about me. I really hope she doesn't discuss me with my coordinator or the medical manager, because I have to see them every day, and they don't know about any of this.

So I make a simple mistake, and bam, suspended and treated like this. They would never treat someone with a physical health condition this way, but because it's mental health, they feel like they can do this, and I'm seen as a liar and unreliable, and it's assumed that I would be a problem employee. I am a very good employee - I'm very responsible, and professional, and I get along with everyone. This makes me look so bad, and right when it was finally starting to feel like things were getting back on track.

As soon as this happened anxiety hit me like a truck, and I can feel depression coming on slowly. I hope I can pull out of this without a major episode, but this kind of stress is really bad for my mental health. More than anything, I'm really angry about being treated this way. I seriously regret ever going to hospital, it's created nothing but problems for me. I went there voluntarily, but ended up held involuntarily, and now all of this, which just goes on and on and on. There is no way I will ever go to a hospital again. Not in a million years. Which really sucks, because it's possible that I may need to go in the future, but I really can't.

I'm trying to stop myself from sending inappropriate emails to advocate for myself, because my mind is racing with things I want to say, but it will just make me look unstable. I sent 3 emails this morning, and I need to leave it at that, but it's very hard to resist. I was stable, but this is destabilizing me. I just have to wait, for who knows how long, when all I want to do is go back to work. I feel like I'm going crazy over this, and the nightmare is starting all over again.

FML