i'm falling back into it, hard and fast. it's not exactly the same, but might as well be... stupidest little triggers and the support I'm desperate to reach out to is not available at the moment. I have to prove that I can do this, but at the same time, I feel like a huge part of me is actively sabotaging things. she was under wraps for a while, but she's back now. I know I should care, but I don't want to. I want to fall head-long into this self-destruct, and quickly so no one notices until it's all too late. but then there's this tiny part of me that is alternately reaching out in hope and curling in on herself in hopelessness. i know I need something, but I'm not sure what. this is the only way i have been able to ask for help in the past. it's never until the breaking point though. i need to break out of the cycle of crisis in order to get needs met (though I'm not really sure what the needs are, so I'm not sure how to get what I need).
how can I identify my needs?