Thanks, elaygee. I appreciate your interest. First, it can't be the focus of all of my posts because for about the last 2 years my T did NOT hold my hand (she did for about a year or more before that, but not during every session, just when I asked).

It's the focus now because I want to share how therapeutic it is for me. Until several months ago, holding T's hand was a moot issue. I'd bring it up with her periodically only because I thought it wasn't right the way she "took it away" without discussing it with me. She explained why she did that.

When she wanted to again use touch in our sessions (her idea, not mine), I brought it up again, and asked if I could try holding her hand again. I was surprised when she said yes. So, it's not about "success" of getting her to do it; it's about how amazing it is that T and I agree that it's good for me!

The magic is that, for the first time, I've consistently felt that I could go about my life without therapy. The feeling I get when holding her hand is lasting! It's incredible for me. Not one of 4 other Ts could solve my attachment issues. They all made me want what they couldn't give me, and I was always frustrated. My fixation is because this time it's different. It does feel like magic to me but I know it's not. If she never holds my hand again, I've already got a lot of what I need inside of me, just from what we've done so far.

I'm happier in my real life than I've been in a long time, and that's because of the secure attachment to my T. My other Ts said that I can never make up what I missed in the past, but I think they were wrong. Something is changing inside of me, and it feels so good! Not that I want to hold her hand, but I want the feelings it gives me. T is doing this according to what she's learned in somatic experiencing workshops, so it's my therapy. It's not a fixation.

I can't imagine not feeling calm and settled when I hold T's hand. I trust her that it is changing my nervous system.

I hope I explained it a little better. I'm only making it the focus of my posts because that's what is happening in my therapy right now. Actually, a recent thread was about driving by my T's house! That certainly had nothing to do with holding her hand! I also wrote about my marriage. I mainly wanted to express how well my therapy is going, and how happy I am about that.