Did you ever read the book Necessary Losses, by Judith Viorst? She talks about the infant and Mommy stage where the baby is in a state of bliss when nursing, or just being close to Mommy. She describes it in a way that has always struck me as wonderful and true. Viorst says we all want to get back to that place of bliss, of connection, but it is one of our necessary losses. I realize that this isn't true for many who post here, and I'm not sure if Viorst addresses that, or not. It's the WISH to have that blissful feeling that should happen between Mommy and infant, even if it never did. Viorst uses the word "bliss"; that's not my word, though I agree 100%. I wrote a poem a few years ago and called it "The blanket of love", and wrote "ah, so that's what love feels like." It was, of course, about my feelings when I used to hold T's hand then.

I sent my T a photo of a painting I just did, and in the email I signed it "love, rainbow". Then I wrote "that word just slipped out". I left it in. I have never signed my emails to her with "love", probably because I'd think that she'd think it was about that "part" who is in love with her.(maybe once I did) But now, it just seemed natural because it's the way I feel about her. So, yes, I think I have a more mature love for my T.

If I seem fixated on this subject it's because I've been in therapy about 20 years, I'd say, and I never felt like this before!! My Ts always made it seem "wrong" to love them, even if they didn't explicitly say it was wrong. They wanted me to focus on my real life. My current T wants that too, but she is also focusing directly on my attachment issues, about her, and with her. That is such a relief to me; you have no idea!!