Hello Psyclox.
I am very sorry you are going through all of this that youare going through at this time. You asked the question of What does this make me? I would sincerely feel that if you feel the need to drink and do cocaine to have fun it makes you someone in need of professional help to help you learn to deal with issues without the drinking and the drugs. It sounds like you need a very good professional support team to help you stay clean and sober. I hope you think about getting hte help you need and deserve since things are getting this bad for youto handle alone. Take care Psyclox. I hope the best for you. Soidhonia