Thanks for all the responses. I'm sorry other people are going through this, but I take comfort in knowing I'm not the only one.

Meta, what you said about staying awake and enjoying the non-depressed state -- that totally resonates with me. I'm generally in a good mood at work (because I'm too busy to think of anything but work and I feel competent and in control when I'm there), but when I first get home, I feel anxious and low. Right now, I just got home and I'm waiting for it to get dark because I don't start to feel relaxed until it's dark outside... and the later it gets, the better I feel (my dad's the same way)... and I don't want to face any responsibilities. I just want it to be MY time. I'm generally miserable all day long on weekends... and then feel much better at night.

I have managed to get my flat perfectly neat and tidy TWICE in the past 2-1/2 years and I even cooked myself a few healthy meals... and I promised myself I would keep it that way, but it didn't last. I get mad at myself for letting it get this out of control again. I have a date on Saturday night and I would love to invite him back here for coffee, but there's NO way I would let him see this mess. I look so well put-together on the outside, I can't let him see how I live. I want to get everything cleaned up by the weekend, but I feel like I don't have time on top of work... and then I feel that if I try to motivate myself to just get it done (a little bit at a time) in the evenings, I will fail (like I have done so many times before). Every single weekend, I tell myself I will clean up, get organized, buy some groceries and start living a "normal" at-home life, and then every Sunday night, I feel like a failure because I haven't done it...

I also have huge anxiety about someone like a plumber or an electrician having to come in here for an emergency and seeing this mess. I would be mortified. I hate living this way.

There's just so much STUFF and I don't know where to put any of it. It seems like an unsolveable puzzle and I can't even put the first piece in place.

Sorry for the rambling. Just needing to vent. Thanks for all the responses. I really appreciate them.