I'm not sure what to do in therapy tomorrow. I had such a horrible week, replete with personal failures, so what can I say to T? Do you ever just feel so bad that you don't know what to say? I guess I feel an almost kind of social pressure to not appear to him to be on too much of a downer. I know that sounds dumb, but what can you say when it just is not good? I also think T thinks well of me and I hate to say stuff that will let him see I am really not that great of a person. I am feeling a need to keep up the illusion that I am better than I really am and that I am doing OK.

Yes, I've kept "secrets" before from T and did let them spill at one point. He was kind of taken aback I didn't tell him that stuff, but I feel differently about that, because the stuff I'd kept from him didn't reflect badly on me. It's hard to admit to people what a f**k up you are.

Sorry for the pissing and moaning--I'm just not sure what to do tomorrow. I feel I have been honest so much with T in the past that it is hard to "fake" being OK. It seems impossible. Sorry for the rambling...