I have been doing the isolation thing for awhile but I need help and i don't know what to do anymore. I am at the end of my rope. I keep crying and crying. If I get triggered somehow and I am not always sure how I get so down and can wimper or wail and it goes on and on. Years ago a friend would catch me doing a kind of hum and wasn't aware of it. I think it was my way of soothing myself. I had a very emotionless father and abusive stepmother. When she first beat us or mostly pscycoligical abuse my sister and I would try to tell our dad. She kept us away by sending us out to play and feeding at differed times so our dad never saw us. We were told "don"t bother your dad, hes had enough of you and if you bother him any more hes going to send you to an orphanage. We lived in terror. She was always sweet when he was around and my dad has never believed me. Forty years later and I am still stuck in all that pain. I can't forget and get on with my live. When my sister finnally told me she had told him I cried and cried and cried. He finnally knew the truth. He later said it was all in my head. I just made this all up. I lost it and called him a sob. He hung up on me and later sent a letter disowning me. This happened in january 1994, in march my fiance committed suicide , june my son reached 21 and wanted a place of his own and moved out. Christmas came and I couldn't get an answer from either him or my daughter for Christmas. They were acting uncomfortable and i couldn't fiquire out what was wrong. Finnalyy it came out my sister was doing Christmas dinner and they were going there. I couln't fiquire out why she hadn't called me. It was strange. So I called her. She told me I wasn't getting along with Dad so I wasn't invited. I was devastated. I told her that was between Dad and I not her. I have never gotten over that. I am estranged from my kids and grandchildren.I have been seeing my Dad over the last 6 years. But have to call in advance. Once I walked in early and caught them having my grandsons birthday. They all just froze like they were caught with their hand in the cookie jar. No one said Hi pull up a chair. Want some cake? It was so hurtful. Now I have been trying to do genealogy and asking my Dad for pictures I can scan from his childhood and mine. Last night He kept stalling and when I point blank asked him for my baby album. He said he didn't remember it. He kept bringing pictures of his childhood but nothing of mine. Appartently my niece has been there getting pictures and I am sure she probabley has mine which are nothing to do with her. I confronted my Dad for one of the first times. He is always asking why I don't see my sister or kids. I told him. No one ever confronts him. Last night I put him on the spot and when he tryed to brush it off I get bringing it up. I finnally spewed out a lot of anger and tears. He still keeps saying just forget all that stuff and get on with your life. I don't understand why I can't. I feel like some king of freak. i forget for awhile and then they make sure to tell me how everyone is so happy. Doing this and doing that. It wounds me everytime and i am back into another tail spin. Now i am trying to decide whether to just move on and forget them all. The only reason I have stuck it out is because my Dad is 79 and i haven't wanted to hurt him but its quite ok for him to hurt me. Today i have been thinking bout packing up everything and every trace of them and getting it out of my house. Is this biplar? Or trauma? I relive this stuff over and over. I have wasted my whole life dealing with this stuff. I woke up this morning after crying all night feeling really rickety and weak. I have been crying all day. I am on lithium and have felt like it has been working but then this happens. I suspect I was numb for a large part of my life and when I have been getting well and open up BAM something hurts me again. Before this it was "WHY can't you be like your sister and just keep quiet?" Last night I even asked if I was even his daughter. My stepmother had said one of us wasn't and I decided lets get this over with and find out once and for all. He said I am but I feel like such a mess when I am around him. Dislike. Yet in my friends or groups I am always liked and valued just not with my family. My BF has a large loving family and they are so glad each time they see me and have many babies to make up for the ones I lost. Sorry if this is too long. I am always scared to put to much about me on here. So now its here.