So my therapist has been encouraging me to express how I really feel to my husband. To not be influenced by the countless opinions of those close to me. He also said I can no longer use how I fear he will respond as an excuse.

So I set up a meeting for Tuesday. I wrote it out since I don't do well off the cuff

Here it is:

Up until now I have been afraid to communicate where I’m really at. I have been padding my responses and feelings because I’m afraid of how you’ll respond. Or choosing just to shut down and not share anything because it feels safer.
You have asked to know how I feel and what I would like to see and after having some time to reflect I feel I have some answers. However, that means that I will no longer be padding my responses. In my attempt to stop fixing or being worried about how my feelings will be accepted or responded to I have categorized them as follows:

Where I’m really at:
If it were up to me and nothing else factored in other than how I feel I would file for divorce today. For three years I have endured your emotional and physical affair with pornography and with yourself, your perpetual lying and erratic behavior. If we did not have children I would have left over a year ago. I don’t trust you, I am indifferent to you. While I care for you as an individual I have no feelings of love for you. I resent needing to feel like I need to fix you or protect my children from your behaviors and choices.

Where I would like to be:
That being said I would like to feel differently. I would like to be able to say that there is potential for a loving partnership. Where trust and honesty are foundational. Where I don’t have to manage your behavior or protect the children from your constant mood swings. Where you could be my partner, equal, and supporting. Supporting of each other’s goals and dreams. Demonstrating to our children what a kind and loving, trusting marriage really is.

Can we get there?
I don’t know. Right now I’m leaning toward no. Since you’ve been out of the house I feel better. There’s no longer the constant pressure, the ever-changing environment, the emotional abuse and being held hostage. I can breathe and be myself. My needs finally factor in.

What needs to change?
1. Show that you’ve changed (the addiction, mental and emotional health)
2. The Behaviors that lead up to the using and acting out also need to change
Then we can assess if there’s a chance for relationship.
If I’m not filing for divorce the time frame is non-existent.
For three years I have been hurt, betrayed, lied to continuously, cheated on and abused, it doesn’t seem too much to ask that you give me time now. To show that you’re willing to do whatever you need to do to heal and give me time to heal. I’m done fixing you or fixing situations for you. I’m done protecting our kids from your behavior. In a healthy relationship none of those things are necessary. I’m not doing it for you anymore. You need to do your work and stop waiting for me to change; and we will see from there what happens.

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