This is the worst relapse i think i've ever had back into anorexia. It "began" like 5 yrs ago when i was 12 and even then it wasn't this terrible. Everything i do has something to do with food, everything i think..i can't get away from it! I'm starting to get so horribly depressed along with this too. I'm a writer, and i've never experienced writer's block, that is not until last night. I felt so fat, then feeling fat turned into feeling worthless, the usual chain of events i suppose. I could do nothing but lie there. I had gone on a walk of almost 2 hours but still felt as though i'd done nothing. Tonight I was just starting to wrestle with those bad feelings again, munching on some cheetos when mom came in and said "oh my! you REALLY do like those don't you! ha!" i felt like a fat cow. then she came in a few min. later and i was fixing myself a chai latte and she said "what are you eating NOW?!" I feel horrible! Am i really that bad? I can't possibly be eating that much, i'm still under 1000 calories a day...usually closer to 500 why does she have to say things like that? do people not realize the effect they can have? ughhhhhhhhhh

i'm sorry, i needed to rant. badly, i need someone to listen and not call me a fat cow. gahh.