I just need to write down everything that is going on in my life right now. This may not make much sense because I am just going to write down stuff as it comes to me. Thank you in advance to anyone who bears with me and reads this.

About a month and half go the switch was flipped and the depression I had been dealing with for the last 3 months was gone. Everything was great, I was on top of the world and was making things happen. I wrote about this message I had received from God, and shared it with all my friends. It was about how things were going to be different now, and that I was back on track. Things were just perfect. Then things started to teeter and there went my sleep and money. Then I got into a fight with my charge nurse two different times over one weekend, she is also one of my best friends mothers. Following that over the next week my friends, family, and coworkers started to say to me something is up with the way I was acting. Things finally started to slow down and that is when I realized what was going on.

That was two weeks ago, now here we are today. I am at this point where I can’t sleep still and have been very volatile. I can go most of the day feeling ok, or just nothing at all. Then I get these different kind of depressions. These aren’t like the ones I have experienced before. All of the internal feelings and mind sets of my normal depressions are here, but outwardly I just keep going and my mind has been so all over the place. I can’t stay focused on anyone thing. The thing is that SI has crept in on me now. This scares me, I don’t want to think about that but I can’t help but keep coming back to it.

I feel like I am being a jerk to everyone I know because I can’t let them in right now, because I don’t understand this.

Then yesterday afternoon I found out I screwed up on a bunch of charting over the last couple of months because I am having such a hard time staying focused on our stupid computer system at work. It’s all of these numbers and stupid Medicaid and Medicare regulations I have to follow, plus the fact I have to enter information on 60 people in less than an hour or I fall behind in my other work. Then to top it off I find out if it keeps happening I am going to get written up for it and could lose my job. This made me like a failure as I am begging the MDS coordinator to write me a note if I make another mistake so that I can fix it.

So here we are now. I am so confused right now, I just want things to be normal and ok. I don’t understand what is going on, and I don’t know who to talk to. I wish I could sleep, but I can’t even do that.