Thread: Mother VS Wife
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Old May 24, 2014, 05:17 PM
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waiting4 waiting4 is offline
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Originally Posted by MB1977 View Post
Thank you Waiting 4. I have been really torn up with this. I hear you and like what you are saying. But to communicate is so difficult when I am not such a person to do this verbally. I thought about writing down all the stuff that bothers me but are so afraid of the fall out that I never get to it. I really and mean really do not like confrontation and my wife revels in it. Let me give you a bit of Back ground for you to maybe form your advice along more information. My wife is an only child and has always gotten her way with her parents. She does not compromise at all and I always end up compromising to prevent the inevitable silent treatment and pouting and resentment when she does not get her way. She will get up in the morning and have the day planned in her head and Automatically assumes that its what I want to do to. More often then not it will involve an activity where money would have to be spent or such. Given the financial situation we are currently in I tell her that I don't think we can go because we can not really afford to go. This will normally end with her throwing a tantrum and we all spend the day miserable and avoiding each others company. Now this also happens if there might be enough money and she has set her mind to do something and I do not agree. Instead of compromising like I do she has these meltdowns. I then feel guilty and to avoid any more outbursts give in to her. Thing is I never get to do things I enjoy since we got married. She has estranged me from my friends. If I do mention that I want to do something on my own or with my friends (when I still had any) she makes me feel guilty and says I should be spending time at home with my family rather than going off on my own or with friends. Its as if she has this obsession where she cant stand to be with out me. And its fine but its been smothering me bit by bit. This is also why my mother might feel resentful because of the situation between the two of them we rarely visited with my Mother. My wife being who she is felt that my mother should be visiting us more. In the end its been months since I have seen my mother. Thing is there are more issues underlying and I am to blame for a lot of things because I let it slide and did not stand up to her but its easier to give in than experience the outburst. Her own mother when she was still alive and her Father today will then later come to me and say they think she has been unreasonable. They only did it behind her back because the few times that they said it to her she accused them of taking my side and would fly out of the room in a rage to spend the next few hours giving everybody the silent treatment and we move around the house and staying out of her way. So given this new Information is the advise still the same? Tough it out try to communicate? Because she is intelligent and has a Law degree and can obviously know what she is doing is not right. I have heard her confess it to some of her friends. Can a Leopard change its spots?
Well, this is a bit more like can a leopard learn to sheathe her claws, and for that I suggest possible marriage counseling. After your further information, I do think you've been a bit passive with her in the past, and I totally understand why you have. (I'm also curious if you've done anything passive-aggressive to her, just because you've been so marginalized, you may feel its the only way--like her shouting, passive-aggressivity is a learned response) I'm sorry she's driven your friends and evidently your family away.

So, yes, I still say talk to her. Yes, she'll shout. So, best thing is to make your 'exit' plan, whatever that may be, then sit her down and tell her you both need to talk...like two mature adults. That you won't stand for her eruptions and the moment she does, get up, get your child and leave. Period. Not for good necessarily, but get out of the house. The only reason her tantrums work is because there are witnesses to them. A tantrum rarely works when the child is alone.... And yes, I'm aware of how difficult it will be to confront the beast she's become, but remember what you've already been thru, and what you're likely to go thru if you DON'T stand up to her.

You can also arrange for a marriage counselor first (along with the exit plan) and tell her that you have done so for 'the talk' so she can be assured no one will ONLY take your side or her side. She may be more agreeable to that.

Basically, yes, this has gone on too long and if you want to actually leave for good, I think you should. But be prepared. That's a must. Especially if she has a law degree and a certain amount of friends still loyal to her even if it's out of fear.

Take care

And on second read I think my question about if you've done anything somewhat passive - aggressive to her because of how you have been treated....that's been answered. You told her what your mother says about her. A passive way of attack (because it's not YOU specifically saying it) and aggressive in its intent. Yeah, you both need counselling. I hope you both can work it out, and if not 'both', than at least you. You deserve better.
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Last edited by waiting4; May 24, 2014 at 05:36 PM.