pinksoil, your post makes a whole lot of sense!!

I just feel shhhhiiiiiittttttttt right now...of course surprise surprise, t going on holiday over the easter...friday is our last session for 2 weeks...thought i had it in the bag this time....thought I'd deal with it soooooooooo much better.....being wanting to use for the last couple of weeks...wanting to ease that deep deep ache in my soul...that ache that you can't let anyone outside of T see!!...on the drive to t yesterday in the car i felt like a monster was in me that wants to harm me....that i was powerless over it...wasn't even thinking about t as I drove there...wasn't until I got in our room that i realised the anger and wanting to harm myself was now being directed at the therapy room and at t...the colours started to fade but no buzz in my head that normally accompanys this disocating out....it appears i've already zone out way before arriving at t...I got angry at t and told her that I know she's going to link my discomfort and irritablity wiht the break and Its NOT! she just raised her eyes and smiled...that so annoying "really" smile....then it started to reveal itself to me...the pain is connected to the break...but I dont want it to be because there's %#@&#! all i can do about it...i have no power over when t takes a break or not...i told her i am loosing hope that i will ever been any better regarding breaks...that i've tried to keep it consious in my mind...i've tried to admit i dont like breaks...all of course within my control..but the real feelings around the breaks are out of my control...after we talked i said i don;'t understand because i feels i am generilising about how i will be in the break because looking back on previous breaks they've never been as bad as i am fearing it to be..why is that??????? she said because the fear is coming from something that's already happened...being taken away from your birth mother being put with someone else that didn't smell right or sound rigth and mourning this loss but no one realising your feelings ...the breaks is just reminding you off all this old stuff...the fear is from a time when you were "slone" and powerless...when she said that i saw clearly what the real break is and what it isnt..but i said the fear is awful..t said what happened was awful...i'm stuck at the moment between todays reality and then the fear comes up and seems as if its todays fear!....she said the wanting to use strongly at the moment is also proberbly memorys of the withdrawal i had ot go through at birth as my birth mother was also detoxing at my birth...

t reminded me that i said i wanted to do something different this time...i wanted to borrow one of her books so that i can hold onto something of her and m e...i have borrowed it already and i look at it and thten i can remember t is real...

i hate this shitttttttt