I know, nobody has time for the hospital, but if you don't get the right kind of treatment, the hospital will become necessary. I've never been inpatient either and it scares the hell out of me just as it does you, so I'm no expert on what the experience of it is like. But I think it's always better to avoid it if possible, so you have to be proactive in getting yourself treated.

I think you might be like me in that you probably "present well" at your pdoc's or T's office, and are able to convince them you're not as sick as you really are. For example, I can be in utter chaos internally, but I've always got a smile for the office staff and a few smartass jokes for my pdoc. (He's got my number now, though---he knows when I'm FOS, and medicates me more aggressively than he used to because he knows I'm sicker than I think I am.)Unfortunately we do ourselves a disservice by not being completely truthful with our providers, and we end up paying for it in terms of inadequate care.

You need to let it all hang out with your treatment team. Let them know what it's really like to live inside your head. We've been watching you come undone over the past 3-4 months, and probably farther back than that. It's like watching a sad movie unfold before our eyes and there's nothing we can do about it, except of course be supportive and gently attempt to help you get straightened out. I don't envy you your situation one bit, and I'm very concerned about your stress levels. However, you'll cope with it better if you have adequate amounts of brain chemicals circulating.

Sorry for rambling. You are someone I've been worried about for some time and I just want to know you'll be OK.