Ok, I can't take it anymore. I haven't seen T since the Friday before last. Too attached. I'm seeing him this Friday.

I had to call him once. Last week. And then I figured it all out: I am sabotaging myself for two reasons.

1. I don't want to get better, because when I do, there are many more expectations. School, work, money, the new house, my husband, etc.
2. I don't want to get better because better=termination.

So I am unconsciously sabatoging myself. I have money to pay my bills. So I don't pay them. Then they are all late, the fees and payments go up, and things get messed up. Sometimes I SI even when I don't really feel like SI'ing. I just do it because if I don't... well that means maybe I'm getting better. It becomes very mechanical. These are just 2 of the many examples of things I do to f*** myself over.

I've been having these awful episodes of agitation. I had one the other day that reached its peak point in Target when I was shopping for stuff for the new house. I was so agitated I felt sick. I was sweating, but it wasn't a panic attack. My thoughts were racing with obsessive, catastrophic stuff. I end up pinching my arm really hard to try to bring myself out of this disgusting, agitated state. My left arm is purple. If it happens at home, I do worse than pinching.

Today I have no focus at work. I am excited about the new house at some moments. At other moments I say, what's the point, I don't even feeling like being here anymore. F*** the house.

I have waited 11 days to see T. Now it's down to the last 3. But it's getting harder and harder. What do I need him for anyway? Some crappy attachment which ends up piling on more painful, uncomfortable feelings?

Wonderful, now I'm f***'ing whining and complaining.