This is part of what goes on in my brain, EVERYTIME I think of it/him...
Why can't I stay angry?
I can for a little while. But then isn't he only human? No, hes not, he's the 'person' who ruined my life. He was such a nice guy, he always seemed to care, he never cared, he just wanted your body. He was right, I should have given him what he wanted all the time, straight away, right? Wrong, he took your rights away. But he made me feel so special and loved. He never loved you, he made you feel less than human. I know some people might think what he did was wrong, but he's a man, I should of given it to him, then he wouldn't have to take it from me, right? Wrong again. Nobody should ever make you do anything, he used and abused you for HIS own pleasure. But I loved him, I would have given up everything for him. He knew that, and he abused that love, he manipulated it until you were left, just functioning, not understanding why you were doing for him what you were. I trusted him. He used this to get what he wanted, he made you feel so safe, yet the most unsafe you've ever felt in your life at the same time. But maybe he didn't notice? I mean I consented, then I changed my mind, that's unfair on him, he could of been confused, I didn't use the word, no. He noticed, he knew YOU WERE 14, he knew you loved him, he knew he could get what he wanted. You moved your head away, he had to push his penis into your mouth to 'get you to do it'. He knew what he was doing, he maybe thought you wouldn't notice? He was testing the waters to see how much he could truly use/abuse you. But it only lasted a few seconds, it really cant be that bad, people have had so much worse. Everybody deserves to heal. It doesn't matter how long it lasted, isn't it the thing that keeps you up at night and shatters you more and more everyday, aren't the scars you depise so much, a result of his actions? But he was depressed at the time too, he said he was broken. So were you, all you did was try to make him happy, you didn't hurt him due to your depression, like he did you. Its not an excuse. But he said he was sorry for everything (using me not the incident, we NEVER spoke about that) and that he would have never forced me to do anything. He knows exactly how to play you doesn't he? He wants to play with your mind, he wants to keep you on his side, he probably was keeping you there as a back up when things go wrong. But it must have been my fault, I must have got it wrong. I must have... It was never your fault, you were young, depressed, lost and confused. He stole your innocence, he stole a part of you, that you wont ever get back, he took that from you, you didn't, you couldn't have made him. Then why dont I feel anything when I picture his face, why doesn't it feel real? Because it hurts too much to think about, you dont want to be vulnerable again, because last time you were, he did this to you. You HAVE to be strong... You have to find a way to numb the pain. I don't want it to have happened. It cant have happened, not to me. Why? It doesn't make sense. IT CANT HAVE HAPPENED. IT CANT HAVE. STOP LYING TO ME. IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. PLEASE, PLEASE TELL ME IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. It happened. Make it stop... Please.

This is what happens in my head, all the time. Everytime. I feel crazy. I NEED TO MAKE SENSE OF WHAT HAPPENED. Was it wrong? I only knew him a few months, it was only in my mouth for a few seconds. He stopped when I pulled away. BUT he pushed it in when I was pulling away in the first place. He didn't hurt me.
If it was bad. Then he would of carried on? But he didn't either he asked/I offered (out of confusion what had just happened), for another sexual favour and I did, blankly staring at his wall.

This was three years ago. Yesterday I was up all night scribbling on a piece of paper trying to remember what month/day. I got it down to 12 days. 12 STUPID DAYS! I didn't make anything of it at the timr so I don't remember. I cant remember much. I need to KNOW, I need to understand.

I feel so pathetic and like a drama queen cause I know it could have been worse and people have had worse and that makes me feel stupid and pathetic so I just shake it off. But I cant.

Please help.

I'm sorry, I know I keep posting but I need help, I am seeing a T already.